As you may have noticed I have published two blog postings that I have been sitting on for the past couple of weeks. The reason? I decided to quietly return to England - and I was fairly successful in that decision. Right now I am in Toronto Airport waiting for my delayed flight, absolutely DREADING having to claim my luggage in London . Oh it is heavy..
At the moment I am a mix of emotions, and am kind of craving a hamburger. Random thought, I know . Part of me is excited to return...part of me already wonders what the h*ll I am doing. As the plane departed from Thunder Bay I bid farewell to home - though I was a little distraught that cloud cover prevented me from actually seeing my home!
Ok...I know I am going to get cut off very shortly by a boarding call...more will come later.
Monday, 6 October 2008
So I am down to the final three weeks before departure. The anxiety has started…I’m having those “wtf” moments. I have begun second guessing whether or not I am doing the right thing. The anxiety is then greeted by excitement for what lies ahead. Stress. Eagerness. More stress. Relief. It is an emotional rollercoaster – and I am so incredibly happy to be riding it!
If you read my earlier blog posts (and I don’t know why you would have), but if you haven’t, let me summarize. I moved to Banbury with zero emotion. I wasn’t stressed. No excitement. No second guessing. I was detached, aloof, dissassociative. Numerous people asked me “Well you must be excited?” No. “You must be nervous?” Nope. “You must be looking forward to England?” Not really. And so on….I was overwhelmingly detached from the whole process.
This might work for some, but it didn’t work for me one iota. In my emotional detachment, I suddenly found myself very attached to the reality of my decision. Suddenly, while in Banbury, I found myself crashing down, as I came to terms with the longterm ramifications of my decisions. How to cope? Well I didn’t. I moved back to Canada.
So now, attempt number two is well underway. I have the emotions this time, and can look at the reality of this decision. I know it will be no easier than the last time, but I am somehow more prepared. Or else I will have an even more tumultuous breakdown in London. This could go two ways. We shall see, won’t we?
If you read my earlier blog posts (and I don’t know why you would have), but if you haven’t, let me summarize. I moved to Banbury with zero emotion. I wasn’t stressed. No excitement. No second guessing. I was detached, aloof, dissassociative. Numerous people asked me “Well you must be excited?” No. “You must be nervous?” Nope. “You must be looking forward to England?” Not really. And so on….I was overwhelmingly detached from the whole process.
This might work for some, but it didn’t work for me one iota. In my emotional detachment, I suddenly found myself very attached to the reality of my decision. Suddenly, while in Banbury, I found myself crashing down, as I came to terms with the longterm ramifications of my decisions. How to cope? Well I didn’t. I moved back to Canada.
So now, attempt number two is well underway. I have the emotions this time, and can look at the reality of this decision. I know it will be no easier than the last time, but I am somehow more prepared. Or else I will have an even more tumultuous breakdown in London. This could go two ways. We shall see, won’t we?
A secret revealed
It’s 1:30 am and I should be in bed, but true to form, I have one more thing I can procrastinate about: sleep! I haven’t blogged during the last two months, and feel that it’s time to catch up as I embark on my newest journey. Alright, maybe that is a little bit melodramatic – it’s not really a new journey – it’s a retracing of a past journey, but with the lessons of the present. So I am reshaping my blog and putting it back on the path that it was initially meant to take – this blog was not about me regretting every decision I’ve ever made…it was about me learning to live, while living in a foreign land. Yet, I did learn something amidst the regret…and noooo, I am not sharing what that lesson has been.
So tonight I start anew, and find out just how many of my friends read my blog J You see, I am not going to openly tell anyone of what is being shared in this blog. At least, not initially – eventually everything will come out, but for the meantime, the future is for me. Luckily I have this blog to write out my grievances – and it can be read by sporadic people who can compare their f*ck ups to mine (and maybe learn something from my frequent blunders).
About a week ago I woke up and realized it was time to either sh*t or get off the pot (and I’m sorry if my colourful language offends you, but I write as I speak!). And so I got off the pot. Since returning in April, I have argued with myself constantly about going back to the UK and trying again. (no…I have argued with myself about EVERYTHING! I am in torment!) For the first 4 months I was adamantly opposed to the idea – I found every reason as to why I should return, but found every counter-reason as to why I should not. My reasons for avoiding it were creative at the very least. But still, I kept coming back to the question: “the Leanne of today doesn’t want to go…but will the Leanne of 40 years from now regret having not taken the opportunity?” Hmmm…I know about regret. I have given up a lot of opportunities – most of which I already regret. I can’t have another regret.
And so it is so. After a weekend of trialing, and being with friends and watching successes and failures (yes, this is all dog show stuff) I realized that I needed to go. Why? How does the dog world fit in? Since returning in April, I have remained fairly aloof from everyone – friends, family, etc. I figured that by rejoining my world, I was making it too easy for me to stay in Thunder Bay, and too difficult to change my life. This past trialing weekend was really my first large scale interaction with my life. But then I realized - its not enough. I will always have a life here, but not enough of a life to warrant staying forever. I cannot stay here anymore. And so…on September 2nd, I woke up – and for the first time since April – I didn’t argue with myself. I didn’t debate my life, or what I was doing. The decision was made, and then there was clarity. The funny thing is – had I “decided” not to go, I would have continued to argue with myself for months, until that option no longer existed.
Like I have already mentioned, I will not be telling anyone of my decision. The reason? This time I am going back for me. I do not want to go with expectations, and feeling the pressure of needing to succeed. I have had five months to ponder my mistakes, I know what went wrong, and I know what I need to make this work for me. Part of what I need is my anonymity until I settle.
In retrospect, it was so incredibly lonely to move 6000 miles away from home. I have been lonely before – but this type of lonely was something else. This time I am going with the understanding that I will have to combat that. Ok, sure, in another week I will be heading towards self doubt, and wondering what the heck I’ve signed myself up for – but right now, I am ok. And so…this blog will be returning to its original format, and hopefully for a longer stint J
So tonight I start anew, and find out just how many of my friends read my blog J You see, I am not going to openly tell anyone of what is being shared in this blog. At least, not initially – eventually everything will come out, but for the meantime, the future is for me. Luckily I have this blog to write out my grievances – and it can be read by sporadic people who can compare their f*ck ups to mine (and maybe learn something from my frequent blunders).
About a week ago I woke up and realized it was time to either sh*t or get off the pot (and I’m sorry if my colourful language offends you, but I write as I speak!). And so I got off the pot. Since returning in April, I have argued with myself constantly about going back to the UK and trying again. (no…I have argued with myself about EVERYTHING! I am in torment!) For the first 4 months I was adamantly opposed to the idea – I found every reason as to why I should return, but found every counter-reason as to why I should not. My reasons for avoiding it were creative at the very least. But still, I kept coming back to the question: “the Leanne of today doesn’t want to go…but will the Leanne of 40 years from now regret having not taken the opportunity?” Hmmm…I know about regret. I have given up a lot of opportunities – most of which I already regret. I can’t have another regret.
And so it is so. After a weekend of trialing, and being with friends and watching successes and failures (yes, this is all dog show stuff) I realized that I needed to go. Why? How does the dog world fit in? Since returning in April, I have remained fairly aloof from everyone – friends, family, etc. I figured that by rejoining my world, I was making it too easy for me to stay in Thunder Bay, and too difficult to change my life. This past trialing weekend was really my first large scale interaction with my life. But then I realized - its not enough. I will always have a life here, but not enough of a life to warrant staying forever. I cannot stay here anymore. And so…on September 2nd, I woke up – and for the first time since April – I didn’t argue with myself. I didn’t debate my life, or what I was doing. The decision was made, and then there was clarity. The funny thing is – had I “decided” not to go, I would have continued to argue with myself for months, until that option no longer existed.
Like I have already mentioned, I will not be telling anyone of my decision. The reason? This time I am going back for me. I do not want to go with expectations, and feeling the pressure of needing to succeed. I have had five months to ponder my mistakes, I know what went wrong, and I know what I need to make this work for me. Part of what I need is my anonymity until I settle.
In retrospect, it was so incredibly lonely to move 6000 miles away from home. I have been lonely before – but this type of lonely was something else. This time I am going with the understanding that I will have to combat that. Ok, sure, in another week I will be heading towards self doubt, and wondering what the heck I’ve signed myself up for – but right now, I am ok. And so…this blog will be returning to its original format, and hopefully for a longer stint J
Saturday, 26 July 2008
When did that Happen?
Oops...I realized today that I have not written in over a month! Actually, I have, but due to some procrastation and commitments (alright...mainly procrastination) I have yet to post the blog. The past month has been busy, in that sort of way that makes you wonder, "huh? where did time go??!?!". I've been working (that's a whole other story), training (dogs) and pondering the future. Actually, most of my time is spent pondering the future - on a daily basis I wonder - should I go back to England? Do I really want to? What will happen when I do? Generally speaking, I wake up adamently against England...by noon, I lean towards returning...by supper, I am excited to return...by midnight I decide that tomorrow is another day, and I will figure out the solution then....and then it starts again the following day. It feels like a neverending cycle. I still have 10 weeks until my arranged return - that is plenty of time to figure it out...but I've already been back for 3 months, and am still clueless. The logical answer (for financial and professional reasons) is to return..the heartfelt answer: I dunno!
Ok..so England is not the basis for this blog entry. This weekend I find myself straddled down with 2 kids (who are definitely not my own!). I have no natural parenting abilites (ya ya, it's different when they are yours - so why is there soooo many bad parents??!?!?) and I actually have zero desire to have kids. And before you state the obvious: I have never had the desire to have children, I have chosen to have a career that is generally too self absorbed to include children, therefore I have NO desire to have kids...my mother is happy with this decision for she has NO desire to be a grandmother...so again, I have NO desire to have kids. Never have had. Do you get the picture? Its not that I dislike children, per se. I moderately tolerate them...in small doses. Yes, I am a teacher (for the short-term)...I enjoy teaching. I do not want to fork over my uterus for the greater good of advancing civilization. There are enough people who are making this decision on a daily basis, I am fairly certain that humanity will not come to a crashing hault if I do not spread my genetic material. In fact, I can guarantee that humanity will not be affected by my decision.
What is fairly interesting is that even though we are living in 2008 (ok, the majority of us are), there is still a latent belief that humans have to procreate. This belief can be traced to biblical origins, and seems to have a stronghold, even in modern times. Though there are an ever increasing number of couples choosing not to breed, it is still somehow taboo for a woman to say "I don't want kids." I have been met with shock and skepticism ("You just aren't sure yet." "You will, dear" "Janie's daughter said that too, and now she has 3 kids."). Is it possible that Janie's daughter gave way to cultural pressure? Or is there some sort of biological necessity to breed, where suddenly biology overrules mentality? How does a person fight against that biological need? I can recognize in myself that children would be a bad decision - but will I loose that grounding to a primitive need?
As I have already said, this weekend I have found myself straddled with two kids. I am fairly lucky with these two - there is a great enough age difference that one can actually care for the other - one is a teenager (oh yes!!) and one is just surpassing toddledom and has entered they "why?" stage of life. I am not particularly fond of the why stage, even though I do consider myself a scientist on some level. Ok..but fairly good kids overall...
This afternoon I decided to take the younger one to the park - it was like something out of a movie...you know, the scene where the carefree, independent, no-commitment adult finds herself surrounded by "adults" with children? Huh? How do they do this? They watch as Susy and Jimmy scale the monkey bars, race around the playground...they know enough to check and see if there are any exposed nails on the play structure...they forsee every little challenge...and wait - they remember to grab their child's hand while crossing the street. Now granted they started with these entities on day one...but carefree Leanne feels fairly wreckless when surrounded by such responsilibity. I get to home tomorrow, and return to my carefree existance...but people actually do this FULL-TIME?
The most shocking part of this whole brief sojourn into adulthood, is that the "adults" surrounding me at the park - were all my age! When did that happen? When did people suddenly feel the need to procreate? Did I miss the notice that went out? Did my brain suddenly shut off? Have I, as a Homo Sapien sapien, suddenly hit a new evolutionary benchmark, in which I do not respond to biological necessitites? Is this some sort of example of Darwinism at its finest? Surely I can't be the most stellar example of evolution! So, when did people my age decide to have children?
Alright, so despite my inadequate natural parenting abilities, and lack of responsibility, I did manage to get the kid home and in one peice. Surely that must count for something! I'll be the first one to admit - come Monday, I will rerelish in my carefree, no-responsibility life. Wait..there are responsibilities...so maybe it's that I will relish in my childless existence, while fending off the skepticism of a society brainwashed to believe that we must "go forth and procreate."
Ok..so England is not the basis for this blog entry. This weekend I find myself straddled down with 2 kids (who are definitely not my own!). I have no natural parenting abilites (ya ya, it's different when they are yours - so why is there soooo many bad parents??!?!?) and I actually have zero desire to have kids. And before you state the obvious: I have never had the desire to have children, I have chosen to have a career that is generally too self absorbed to include children, therefore I have NO desire to have kids...my mother is happy with this decision for she has NO desire to be a grandmother...so again, I have NO desire to have kids. Never have had. Do you get the picture? Its not that I dislike children, per se. I moderately tolerate them...in small doses. Yes, I am a teacher (for the short-term)...I enjoy teaching. I do not want to fork over my uterus for the greater good of advancing civilization. There are enough people who are making this decision on a daily basis, I am fairly certain that humanity will not come to a crashing hault if I do not spread my genetic material. In fact, I can guarantee that humanity will not be affected by my decision.
What is fairly interesting is that even though we are living in 2008 (ok, the majority of us are), there is still a latent belief that humans have to procreate. This belief can be traced to biblical origins, and seems to have a stronghold, even in modern times. Though there are an ever increasing number of couples choosing not to breed, it is still somehow taboo for a woman to say "I don't want kids." I have been met with shock and skepticism ("You just aren't sure yet." "You will, dear" "Janie's daughter said that too, and now she has 3 kids."). Is it possible that Janie's daughter gave way to cultural pressure? Or is there some sort of biological necessity to breed, where suddenly biology overrules mentality? How does a person fight against that biological need? I can recognize in myself that children would be a bad decision - but will I loose that grounding to a primitive need?
As I have already said, this weekend I have found myself straddled with two kids. I am fairly lucky with these two - there is a great enough age difference that one can actually care for the other - one is a teenager (oh yes!!) and one is just surpassing toddledom and has entered they "why?" stage of life. I am not particularly fond of the why stage, even though I do consider myself a scientist on some level. Ok..but fairly good kids overall...
This afternoon I decided to take the younger one to the park - it was like something out of a movie...you know, the scene where the carefree, independent, no-commitment adult finds herself surrounded by "adults" with children? Huh? How do they do this? They watch as Susy and Jimmy scale the monkey bars, race around the playground...they know enough to check and see if there are any exposed nails on the play structure...they forsee every little challenge...and wait - they remember to grab their child's hand while crossing the street. Now granted they started with these entities on day one...but carefree Leanne feels fairly wreckless when surrounded by such responsilibity. I get to home tomorrow, and return to my carefree existance...but people actually do this FULL-TIME?
The most shocking part of this whole brief sojourn into adulthood, is that the "adults" surrounding me at the park - were all my age! When did that happen? When did people suddenly feel the need to procreate? Did I miss the notice that went out? Did my brain suddenly shut off? Have I, as a Homo Sapien sapien, suddenly hit a new evolutionary benchmark, in which I do not respond to biological necessitites? Is this some sort of example of Darwinism at its finest? Surely I can't be the most stellar example of evolution! So, when did people my age decide to have children?
Alright, so despite my inadequate natural parenting abilities, and lack of responsibility, I did manage to get the kid home and in one peice. Surely that must count for something! I'll be the first one to admit - come Monday, I will rerelish in my carefree, no-responsibility life. Wait..there are responsibilities...so maybe it's that I will relish in my childless existence, while fending off the skepticism of a society brainwashed to believe that we must "go forth and procreate."
Saturday, 14 June 2008
Monogamy
Today’s profundity is brought to me by Bernie Brillstein… “In a world where celebrity equals talent, and where make-believe is called reality, it is most important to have real love, truth and stability in your life.” Thanks again Starbucks. I’m learning to live $1.30 at a time. Luckily my days at Starbucks are numbered – school starts next week. Regardless of my intense sarcasm and moderate skepticism, Mr. Brillstein is right – and I can readily acknowledge that. In reality, he kind of sums up what I was trying to say when things fell apart in Banbury – stability is key. As for love…regardless of what I might think of love and commitment, I suppose at the heart of it all…deep down…maybe…love is what most individuals in our society pursue and crave.
Let me just say this though – I do not believe that humans are naturally monogamous. I think that humans want to believe that they can be monogamous, but I do not fully believe that we have been biologically hardwired for this sort of thing. With everything else, there is a certain segment of the population for which monogamy does work – but for a vast majority of individuals, I think they struggle with monogamy – it is a conscious decision, not a natural path. Periodically one or both members of the partnership start to give into outward temptations and lustful desires. Usually it does not escalate beyond careful fantasy, but then sometimes…well…it goes beyond the fantasy. The saving grace, as luck would have it, is that humans are naturally lazy. This favours monogamy. There comes a point for most people, that pursuing a “mate” (so to speak) becomes an arduous task and it is just easier to settle. Possible motivation for this could revolve around the eventual boredom of having to engage in the excessive grooming and hygiene associated with mate-perusal. Why do you think that so many people are content to live a miserable existence with an ill-chosen mate? Because it is easier than starting from scratch. Disagree with me if you want, but take a long hard look at it. Individuals are not monogamous…society is. And that is the essence of monogamy.
Ahh hell…let’s stick with monogamy today. There is no particular reason for this topic…I just enjoy studying humans interacting with one another, and ritualistic mating habits are one of those topics that I cannot get enough of. It pacifies the social scientist in me – and let’s face it – I’ve taken classes in the Psychology of Sex, Anthropology of Sex, and Philosophy of….ya…you got it….Sex. Naturally I have developed an interest in what makes humans tick when it comes to relationships (real and delusional) and sexual practices thereafter associated. Perhaps my interests lay in the fact that I have absolutely no natural desire for long term commitment – because I don’t believe that humans are monogamous (notice the circular fashion with which I right?!!)
My newest interest is the human struggle with monogamy and how it related to the internet. I’m serious! I find the internet a perplexing conundrum when it comes to the justification of monogamy. If you have spent anytime in chat-rooms or in virtual reality environments such as Second Life, you instantly become aware of the number of married individuals looking for cyber…hook-ups (we’ll call it Assisted Masturbation). Yes you read it right. I’m not asking if you engage in it. But here is the simple fact…there are an alarming number of people looking for extramarital fantasies via the internet. What do I find interesting about this? Ok…for starters…is it cheating? I mean really? Most people would say no. I beg to differ. I’m not here to teach morality – but – if your spouse does not know that you are pursuing sexual experiences such as assisted masturbation, with another living, breathing individual…then what exactly is it? Can it be justified to a spouse? Not likely. If I were married, and I came home to find my husband stroking off in front of the computer with some honey 2000 miles away…yes I would be a little bit…irritated. Why? The emotional essence of cheating. Staring at picture in Penthouse is one thing – engaging another individual in your ritualistic foreplay – well that is a totally different story. Yet numerous individuals do this, and justify it. These individuals still consider themselves to be monogamous. Maybe it boils down to the days of “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” (you know who!) Potentially the greatest impact that Bill Clinton had on our present-day society is the moral dilemma regarding what actually constitutes as sexual relations and what constitutes an extramarital affair. Regardless, the internet has ensured that couples can live out their extramarital fantasies, and newer virtual realities are taking it the next level. Spend a night on Second Life and you will understand.
But alas, this is all I can say on the topic. My time is up and it has taken me a week to finish this posting. I am presently sitting in a class on Modernist literature, completely lost, wondering what sort of natural substances I must inhale to be capable of thinking like a modernist and not a social scientist. All I know is that my head hurts and I’m sober. Time to fix that J
Let me just say this though – I do not believe that humans are naturally monogamous. I think that humans want to believe that they can be monogamous, but I do not fully believe that we have been biologically hardwired for this sort of thing. With everything else, there is a certain segment of the population for which monogamy does work – but for a vast majority of individuals, I think they struggle with monogamy – it is a conscious decision, not a natural path. Periodically one or both members of the partnership start to give into outward temptations and lustful desires. Usually it does not escalate beyond careful fantasy, but then sometimes…well…it goes beyond the fantasy. The saving grace, as luck would have it, is that humans are naturally lazy. This favours monogamy. There comes a point for most people, that pursuing a “mate” (so to speak) becomes an arduous task and it is just easier to settle. Possible motivation for this could revolve around the eventual boredom of having to engage in the excessive grooming and hygiene associated with mate-perusal. Why do you think that so many people are content to live a miserable existence with an ill-chosen mate? Because it is easier than starting from scratch. Disagree with me if you want, but take a long hard look at it. Individuals are not monogamous…society is. And that is the essence of monogamy.
Ahh hell…let’s stick with monogamy today. There is no particular reason for this topic…I just enjoy studying humans interacting with one another, and ritualistic mating habits are one of those topics that I cannot get enough of. It pacifies the social scientist in me – and let’s face it – I’ve taken classes in the Psychology of Sex, Anthropology of Sex, and Philosophy of….ya…you got it….Sex. Naturally I have developed an interest in what makes humans tick when it comes to relationships (real and delusional) and sexual practices thereafter associated. Perhaps my interests lay in the fact that I have absolutely no natural desire for long term commitment – because I don’t believe that humans are monogamous (notice the circular fashion with which I right?!!)
My newest interest is the human struggle with monogamy and how it related to the internet. I’m serious! I find the internet a perplexing conundrum when it comes to the justification of monogamy. If you have spent anytime in chat-rooms or in virtual reality environments such as Second Life, you instantly become aware of the number of married individuals looking for cyber…hook-ups (we’ll call it Assisted Masturbation). Yes you read it right. I’m not asking if you engage in it. But here is the simple fact…there are an alarming number of people looking for extramarital fantasies via the internet. What do I find interesting about this? Ok…for starters…is it cheating? I mean really? Most people would say no. I beg to differ. I’m not here to teach morality – but – if your spouse does not know that you are pursuing sexual experiences such as assisted masturbation, with another living, breathing individual…then what exactly is it? Can it be justified to a spouse? Not likely. If I were married, and I came home to find my husband stroking off in front of the computer with some honey 2000 miles away…yes I would be a little bit…irritated. Why? The emotional essence of cheating. Staring at picture in Penthouse is one thing – engaging another individual in your ritualistic foreplay – well that is a totally different story. Yet numerous individuals do this, and justify it. These individuals still consider themselves to be monogamous. Maybe it boils down to the days of “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” (you know who!) Potentially the greatest impact that Bill Clinton had on our present-day society is the moral dilemma regarding what actually constitutes as sexual relations and what constitutes an extramarital affair. Regardless, the internet has ensured that couples can live out their extramarital fantasies, and newer virtual realities are taking it the next level. Spend a night on Second Life and you will understand.
But alas, this is all I can say on the topic. My time is up and it has taken me a week to finish this posting. I am presently sitting in a class on Modernist literature, completely lost, wondering what sort of natural substances I must inhale to be capable of thinking like a modernist and not a social scientist. All I know is that my head hurts and I’m sober. Time to fix that J
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)