Step by Step Necessity

Ahh technology, how you failed me so! I’ve lost my best friend (my laptop) and potentially all of the information it contained. Being wonderfully complacent (it won’t happen to me!) and lacking motivation I failed to back up my most important documents, pictures, etc. Stupid me – I should have known better.

My week has been filled with planning and letting go. Maybe part of planning is the ability to let go – I had forgotten how easily I can disassociate myself with the unseen – if I can’t see it, it never existed. What a wonderful defense mechanism.

Stage one of this little endeavor has involved ripping apart my life – literally. Going through all of my possessions and throwing out. True to my background in archaeology, I am a pack rat; unfortunately pack ratting is a packing nightmare. My goal is that if the day should ever arrive that I want to leave here, I can just open my drawers and easily transfer all of the items into boxes. The challenge has been in turning up my nose to previously cherished items. Oh yes, and to maintain my motivation along the way.

One moment – I’m listening to a high school student complain about teachers – “he wants his students to fail. He expects me to be on time.” Oh my goodness! On time??!?! What a concept! Little a**holes here don’t know how lucky they have it. They would perish in an English school. I also love that comment “He wants his students to fail.” Yes, because that is how teachers get their kicks. Especially the additional paperwork that failing a student creates. WOOT WOOT…

Stage two – is to purposely put myself into employment peril. I have been at one of my jobs for nearly eleven years (January 15, 2010 = eleven…eeks…). Another one of my wonderful jobs *sarcasm* is an astonishing bust. Apparently I am committed to this job for another seven months. I am giving my notice to two of my bosses. Risky…a little…but I need to upheave my stability. Even so, I still have my regular fulltime job to look forward to in April…hmmm...

Stage three is the escape plan. I can move (I’ve been told – apparently my Mother is in the “Failure to Launch” mode; good movie), but I need the back up plan. Option one – try it for six months and move back here for the summer (if I must). Option two – move and keep moving until I find the life I want. Option two makes it necessary to keep downsizing my possession load.

It’s the reality that makes this a problem. There is no other place in Ontario (that I would move to) offering jobs that are any better than the ones I can get here. So the conundrum – move to a place I like, and work in a job I dislike…or stay in place I dislike, and do a job I dislike because it is easier.

Habit always wins out, doesn’t it?

In the moment of solace & realization

15 days left in 2009, and I am left wondering where it went. All I see is a blur (or maybe the frenzied haze that this blog is named for).

Last year I did my year end review (teacher…reflection, you’ve heard it before). Not today…maybe not ever.

I could say that I am exactly back to where I was last year – sitting at Starbucks, basically unemployed, not sure where to go, how to get there, grasping at miniscule straws, mourning decisions that became mistakes (those are life lessons, aren’t they?). I could say that I have NOW gone full circle…but you’ve heard that too…

A year ago I returned to leave. It was temporary – I recognized the necessity to change my life. I bought the plane ticket, packed my bags, and twelve hours before I was supposed to board that plane, I stopped myself. Maybe it was too soon – it had only been eight weeks since I had returned. Maybe I will never know, and will spend the rest of my time theorizing over it. The mystery that will always baffle me.

That moment was supposed to be temporary.

It has taken me a year to finally give up on my pursuit of England. In recent weeks I have finally let go of the connections that kept me bound to that experience. I closed my UK bank account – a little saddening, considering I needed permission to open that account. Finally, yesterday, I cashed in my plane ticket. That hurts a little more – it is finally my acceptance of failure, of my inability to control the situation. I should have gone back last January. Life is too short to have regrets, but I made the wrong decision, and I will regret it. One more for the “coulda, woulda, shoulda” file.

Cashing in that ticket also changes the balance of power. I had an escape – the final link between my old life (the travel, adventure, experience) and my present life (undecided, uninspired, unsure - anymore un-prefixes that I can find?). Now that scale is tipped, and I have my present life, and I’m not particularly sure I like that. I came home to leave, but instead of leaving, I am still here, stagnating in my mind.

The longer you sit here the more jaded you become. I hate being jaded – I would love to be eternally optimistic, and naïve; but I will settle for realistic. Why hasn’t the redo button been created for real-life?

What does it all mean? What are these increasingly depressing moments of reflection leading towards?

I know now – I used to leave it up to fate, and hoped that a magic wand would make it better. That’s not how it works though – change can only occur when we take the individual onus to create that change (yes Confucius, that is how it works). Along the way we are forced to take individual responsibility for our failures, and that is a righteous kick in the ass. You can try and leave it up to someone else to be the one to point out your failures to you, but that never truly works. By the way, do you know how many attempts it took me to spell “onus?” - who knew it was only a four letter word?!

So now what?

Maybe the last year was the obstacle I needed. From every experience something should be learned, and learn I have. I would love to be among the few who want to see this city take a positive direction, to help exact a change. The only problem with this city is its own negative self image. Desperation, bitterness and more jadedness. It is hard to be in a location that has given up on itself. And maybe one day I can be that force –but not today. Too much time spent in the shadows of negativity causes you to give up as well – I have too much of a mind to give up. I will leave, but not because I want to. Home will always be here, and one day I will return to it. Unless I fall in love with a warmer climate, and no longer to feel the need to subject myself to polar temperatures (let’s be realistic here, I do not love the cold).

I will always return to England – every time I hear “Warwick Avenue”, I find myself running through Victoria Station. It is my constant reminder that London isn’t that far.

I need to experience again – I find humour in experience, and this blog is lacking the humour it once had – mainly because I am lacking the humour…

And maybe this time I am ready to leap without looking. I have a plan, but not a formal one – formal plans never unfold as they should, and ultimately lead to disappointment. Today I am tired of disappointment. I have a path I plan on taking, and surely that is better than where I was at this time last year.

In Circles...

You knew it would happen. You can only leave the bowels of Starbucks for so long, before you get dragged back, lured by a biting addiction to caffeine, and the illusion of having “somewhere” to be. It might not be “where everyone knows your name”, but I’m relieved that the people who were here last winter are still here. It’s my office. My big, loud, unproductive office. But it’s the illusion – I am here in front of my laptop (how I’ve missed living through you!), dressed in some sort of semi-professional attire - looking important. Pondering why so many people are in Starbucks in the middle of the afternoon on a week day – doing the exact same thing I am doing. Full circle.

So before I return to the realm of formally blogging weight, life, etc – let me play the game of catch up. Have I really gone full circle? Not really. I haven’t blogged in months and months, except for the sparse details that I’ve periodically dropped. Things have changed. I’ve just upgraded to Windows 2007 – that’s change. I’m learning to use Publisher 2007. More change.

Seven months ago I headed back to work. It was supposed to be temporary – let’s face it, my job isn’t exactly the career accelerator that I’m looking for. But it paid the bills and I quickly became complacent. I set my own hours (they were often long) and worked with my dog (who better to work with?). Yes, I dealt with idiots, but that is any job. So typical to form, I decided to plug along, not particularly happy, but surviving. Along the way I picked up additional jobs – nothing truly exciting, but – money is money.

And then there is a point that you begin to realize that you are merely putting in time until you die. (I think that is what is formally known as a “rut”).

Yes, work has taken up the majority of my tangible time for the past several months. Luckily I was laid off this week. I am thrilled. Really. It opens up doors – maybe.

I took a new opportunity which has launched (errr….catapulted) me into the world of business and marketing. The income potential is good. Or bad. It could go either way. I could mean a lot of work for little gain. Or a lot of work for a great gain. Do you see what I am saying here? I am gambling. But – I get to talk to people, push a product, develop a marketing campaign – I wear dress clothes.

No I’m not particularly interested in this new job. But really – the dress clothes are exciting. It gives me an excuse to go my office (Starbucks). Sure it might be temporary….

What else can I say here?

Money: always a stressor – I should give lectures on how not to be like me… I could sit here and write an endless diatribe on the lack of morality exhibited by the credit card industry. I won’t.

Relationship: I’m still in one. Somewhere, somehow…

The Future: the future is the best part. Due to the job situation here (really, does anything ever change?) and lack of personal career growth, there may be a move in the near future. To the Capitol (at least that has where talks have been aimed for the past two months). There are education al opportunities for me, and career opportunities for him. Luckily we both lack follow-through….soooo…

Full circle, I suppose.

Somewhere along the way I was sidetracked. Not by anything exciting, life altering or earth shattering. Just life. Be patient though…the best is yet to come (when life stops interfering)

In the meantime, I will leave you the link to a video that I like...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QM-mfEMssy8

Cheers!

Winding Down into Monotony

There is this sudden realization that summer is on the verge of winding down. Not so long ago, I loved this time of year. September brought change, and some sort of new hope, rejuvenation, etc. There were new experiences to be had. Oh the perks to being a student.

As I watch August fading away, I realize that (again) this year, September is just September. I am tempted to return to school, even for just one class, just to relive some of the former glory. To be apart of that buzz and excitement of learning, and having a fresh text book to crack open – it’s hard to ignore the call. Unfortunately, returning to school for another year is merely an act of escapism, and I probably shouldn’t fall in to that trap. Really, it sets a fairly bad pattern.
Yet it is more than wanting to be apart of the change of September. I am bored. Incredibly so! I think my mind is actually stagnating. Next week brings me fear, merely because next week will be this week, again. And so will the week after. And the one after that. The monotony is overwhelming – so much so, that it doesn’t even make sense. It is necessary that I find a new job and soon – but I really hate starting new jobs; so that’s not really the change I am looking for. Maybe monotony equals adulthood….seriously, is that what it means to be an adult?
Last night, during one of those rare nights out, I had the chance to swap travel stories with a couple of girls who are full of wanderlust. It made me crave a life that I once had – sorry, that seems melodramatic, but adulthood leads to the realization that you can’t just drop everything and go backpacking across Southeast Asia (my visa card is also concurs). I still crave it though…the knowledge of firsthand experiences…learning cultural awareness…appreciating differences…and I miss it more and more.

My “boyfriend” (I have always shunned the use of that title, but I’m not sure what else to say…) has decided that we are moving to London, England together in October. I am the type of person who would move to London on a whim (wait, I did do that…). I am the type of person who would move BACK to London on a whim. Oh yes, I think about it. If he would go, I would too – everyday I look up London “stuff” on the internet. I am still addicted to the Premiership. I get a little sniffly every time I tune into BBC Radio. Today I actually spent time browsing through my iPod London Tube App – my “boyfriend” called me homesick. London isn’t my home, but I miss it…

So I won't bank on this whole London idea. I really do want to go back, but I won't go alone. While I will venture off without a safety net, he is a little more studious about responsibilities. Who needs money to travel?? Apparently he has a different philosophy, which might be a good thing (it avoids 3am calls to my Mother from unexplained random locales throughout the world; that means less worry). Though his studiousness makes things a little frustrating - where I would head to the travel agent on Monday and say "BOOK IT"...he needs to "weigh things out first". I live in the moment - which isn't always a good thing...

I think the moral of the story is that when September rolls around, I begin to get antsy. Then I make impulse decisions. Last year, I woke up on September 2 and decided that I would book a ticket to London…it appears that this could become an annual event…are there any other countries that I could get a visa for??? Let’s face it, returning to London will eventually become monotonous.