Since self reflection seems to be a popular theme in blogs, I figured I would join the crowd.
I wish….
…I had left home at 18 …
…I had gone to Western…
…I had gone to Jordan and done my field training…
…I had never opened the email from a recruiter in London; it would have saved me so much stress…
…I had never gone to teacher’s college; that would have also saved me a ton of stress…
…I had gone to do my Master’s degree when I had the chance…
…I hadn’t fallen for a man across the ocean…
…I had not spent so much money on needless pursuits…
…that I had lost the weight 5 years ago instead of now…
…that I hadn’t gotten dogs; too much attachment makes it difficult to leave…
…that I wasn’t sitting across from someone who’s belly is hanging out of her skin tight hoodie…
…that I was better with commitment, and would commit to something…
…that I hadn’t lost my motivation and began to stagnate…
…that I had never started working on a thesis; it will forever bother me that it isn’t finished, and yet I will likely never complete it…
…that I hadn’t grown up in Thunder Bay, Ontario…
…that I had the motivation to go and get a trade, and fully accept that my education is useless…
…that I was more outgoing and less of a home body…
…that I had done an international exchange program in university; I desperately want my international experience…
…that I had done language training; I love to learn and should have embraced it…
…that I wasn’t scared to do what it is that I want to do…
…that I had learned to look at things from the one-day-at-a-time perspective, not on year long scales…
…that I didn’t get attached; once I get attached I can’t handle the finality of becoming unattached; maybe that’s the product of loss…
…there wasn’t a recession; that millions of people weren’t out of work; that there were clear cut directions, and that someone had all of the answers…
What if I hadn’t done of these things that I guess I regret?
- I’d never have met many of the people I now know; maybe I would have met other people, but who knows…
- Had I gone to Western, I would never have gone to half of the places I’ve been; I’d never have backpacked and found out I love it; I’d never have been to Newfoundland, spent drunken Spring Breaks in Cancun, and likely never acquired a taste for tequila…
- I wouldn’t have half of the stories that I have; it’s been a bumpy ride, but it’s been an entertaining ride…
- I’d never of had my New Orleans experience; it was good, it was bad, but it was growth…
- I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, watching a junkie with slush stained pants, search for her next caffeine hit…
- I’d never have learned to put emphasis on internal beauty rather than physical beauty; when you are fat you learn not to judge…
Not everyone can claim they had the option to take two very distinct paths. Almost eleven years ago, I was presented with the two paths – Western or Lakehead.
Had I gone to Western, things would be very different now. I would not have had half of the experiences I’ve had. I would have had other experiences…
Had I gone to Western, money would have been far too tight to travel, and I would never have learned life experiences – everything would have been confined to a book. I don’t believe that book knowledge is essential – life knowledge is far more important. That is also why I do not put much emphasis on academic education.
Had I gone to Western, I likely would never have majored in Anthropology, and never realized how much I love culture – maybe I would have, but it is doubtful.
Had I gone to Western, I would have realized how much is actually out there, in terms of career options and life opportunities; I may have learned how to pursue those options; the problem with Lakehead is being mainstreamed into very narrow topics
Had I gone to Western I would have learned to live on my own; that’s the big one; I wouldn’t be struggling at 28 to leave this city; it has become me. I will never reach my potential in this city, but it is now home. I am becoming far too ‘alright’ with never reaching my potential. I am becoming what I used to loath; or maybe I’m becoming an adult.
Can I regret never having gone to Western? Yes, on the surface I do because I would have learned how to be Leanne.
What about teacher’s college? What if I had never gone? That would have solved so many issues right now – I would never have tried to get a visa to go the UK, I would never have allowed myself to feel for someone, never have allowed myself to form some sort of attachment – oh and debt – I wouldn’t be nearly in the debt that I am now…
My thesis – I am coming to terms with the fact that I will likely never finish it. I hate my thesis but simply because of the sheer boredom that it produces, and the lack of direction that I have. Yet, I know that it will always drive me crazy that I am not finished it so eventually I will likely drive myself to complete it.
England is like my thesis. I could easily not go back to England, and give up teaching altogether. But in the back of my mind it will drive me crazy that I never finished the experience. My mind tells me to give it up; my heart isn’t ready.
England doesn’t have to be indefinite; neither does teaching…
Then there is that moment that loneliness creeps in, and the world ends….and that moment seems to take forever…
And then I wish I could see life one day at a time…
Don’t regret what you did do, only what you didn’t do…
Unfortunately what you didn’t do is so closely intertwined with what you did do. Somewhere along the way, you have to regret both…
Every day is spent in regret, contemplating what I should do – so much time goes to this that nothing is done…
I have read on numerous occasions that you do not truly understand yourself until you are about 26 (that’s also why people shouldn’t get married before 26). Apparently I’m behind…
I wish that life was somehow easier; but don’t we all?
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