Tuesday, 6 April 2010

Failure to Launch

One day, sometime soon, I would like to think that I will stop arriving at this exact same point. I have no reason to be here – had I known my tax return was sitting on the kitchen table, I probably wouldn’t be back here.
After a lonely twelve hour drive, filled with silent contemplation, endless questioning and regret, I am no closer to arriving at a conclusion than I was two days ago. Surely it will get easier.

Friday, 2 April 2010

Boomeranging Back

The long journey home starts again. I’m not particularly happy about it – I’m not sure what I’m going to encounter upon my return. Many behind-the-scenes events have occurred since my departure. Some good, some bad…ultimately I hope that some of the burden is relieved.

One day, I hope that I can look back on this experience with a smile. This little Ozarkia has a way of growing on you after awhile. I’m not leaving by choice; not because I am homesick, or feel some sort of unrelenting need to escape – I suppose this is a small victory. Yet, after weeks of rejections, my ego is shattered (not that it was particularly strong to begin with…). At the end of the day, I can’t live on a minimum wage, part-time job and as my resources are dwindling, it’s time to go.

I don’t know what it means; employment, finances, the future…my relationship…everything is just sort of hanging. I dislike the lack of closure – I am a closure-type person.

How does a relationship survive long distance, and for how long? I’ve been down this road before – long distance relationships in New Orleans and England. Granted this relationship is much closer than those, and yet I feel less at ease than ever before. We have each failed in our respective cities; each of us sitting at the crossroads, unsure which way to turn. We are both educated, struggling financially, trying to make ends meet with mediocre jobs. Part of me feels that some of the burden would be relieved if we just let go, and yet if only we could weather the storm…

I feel like I’m walking out half way through the movie. I want to know what happens. Spring is here, but the leaves have yet to blossom (do leaves blossom? I’m not sure). I want to know what it is like here during the summer. Why do I feel like I’m getting ripped off? I paid for this movie, and I want to see the end of it. The story is somehow unfinished, and I need to know what happens to the main characters; it may not be award winning, but its life.

Granted, I’m not sure it’s a good thing that I can disassociate myself from the situation, and look at life through the third-person. I just want to know my ending.