I'll Get There Yet

Nearly a month into Southern Ontario, and amidst daily promises that “I’m going home” I have yet to get back into my car and start driving.
I don’t wanna go…maybe I wanna go…errrr…tomorrow…
Have you ever woken up, not sure who you are, where you are, realize that something has to change, but not sure what? You realize you aren’t happy, but you don’t know why – you can’t pinpoint that exact “thing” that is driving you to despair.
Rejection letters are becoming an abundantly regular occurrence. They strike the ego. My most recent rejection was bittersweet; my education was the problem…they wanted someone with a one or two year college diploma, as opposed to someone with eight years of university education. I am not naïve enough to believe that university is better than college. In fact, I think a college education is far better for practical applications and employability.

Unfortunately I went to university.

Do I want to go to college? No.

Why? Because I spent a long time kicking my butt in university, at considerable time and expense, and going back to college seems like defeat. I’m not ready to admit defeat.

As I attempt to adapt to this whole move (and let’s face it – if history has shown me anything, I tend to hit considerable homesickness around week five), I find myself pondering the future more and more. I didn’t think it would be easier if I left Thunder Bay – really I didn’t…but I did think it would mean something…if only I knew what…

It has taken me nearly the entire four weeks to reacquire my stride. Living in a new home has meant the absolute dissolution of healthy lifestyle habits.....

“Pass the donut, chug the beer *cough cough* I’m out of smokes…”

Oops.

It has been nearly a year since I was accepted into the London School of Economics for studies in International Relations. For six months, I held my breath as I fought for funding through the Ontario student loan program. Continued rejection was based on the fact that the London School of Economics’ External System (distance education) was not recognized as a legitimate school by Ontario standards. The LSE, one of the world’s prestigious schools, was not recognized by ONTARIO standards of education.

And here's why:
The LSE’s distance education office has a separate address than the LSE’s on-campus studies office, and the Ontario student loan program did not like that. Apparently Russell Square is inferior. Sneaky LSE!

Disheartened, I quit my fight with OSAP, but held firm to the idea that somehow I would find the funding to be able to take this program. Even if I could only take a course a year, I would somehow get there. The LSE also offers a summer school program, featuring on-campus special topics for six weeks each summer. And somehow I would get there (2010s topics are making me drool, and I’m desperate to return to London)

Last night, I decided to check the OSAP website to see if any changes had been made to their previous policies. And there it was…under the recognized institutions (with recognized addresses)…a glimmer of hope renewed, and a new fight begins…

Winding Down into Monotony

There is this sudden realization that summer is on the verge of winding down. Not so long ago, I loved this time of year. September brought change, and some sort of new hope, rejuvenation, etc. There were new experiences to be had. Oh the perks to being a student.

As I watch August fading away, I realize that (again) this year, September is just September. I am tempted to return to school, even for just one class, just to relive some of the former glory. To be apart of that buzz and excitement of learning, and having a fresh text book to crack open – it’s hard to ignore the call. Unfortunately, returning to school for another year is merely an act of escapism, and I probably shouldn’t fall in to that trap. Really, it sets a fairly bad pattern.
Yet it is more than wanting to be apart of the change of September. I am bored. Incredibly so! I think my mind is actually stagnating. Next week brings me fear, merely because next week will be this week, again. And so will the week after. And the one after that. The monotony is overwhelming – so much so, that it doesn’t even make sense. It is necessary that I find a new job and soon – but I really hate starting new jobs; so that’s not really the change I am looking for. Maybe monotony equals adulthood….seriously, is that what it means to be an adult?
Last night, during one of those rare nights out, I had the chance to swap travel stories with a couple of girls who are full of wanderlust. It made me crave a life that I once had – sorry, that seems melodramatic, but adulthood leads to the realization that you can’t just drop everything and go backpacking across Southeast Asia (my visa card is also concurs). I still crave it though…the knowledge of firsthand experiences…learning cultural awareness…appreciating differences…and I miss it more and more.

My “boyfriend” (I have always shunned the use of that title, but I’m not sure what else to say…) has decided that we are moving to London, England together in October. I am the type of person who would move to London on a whim (wait, I did do that…). I am the type of person who would move BACK to London on a whim. Oh yes, I think about it. If he would go, I would too – everyday I look up London “stuff” on the internet. I am still addicted to the Premiership. I get a little sniffly every time I tune into BBC Radio. Today I actually spent time browsing through my iPod London Tube App – my “boyfriend” called me homesick. London isn’t my home, but I miss it…

So I won't bank on this whole London idea. I really do want to go back, but I won't go alone. While I will venture off without a safety net, he is a little more studious about responsibilities. Who needs money to travel?? Apparently he has a different philosophy, which might be a good thing (it avoids 3am calls to my Mother from unexplained random locales throughout the world; that means less worry). Though his studiousness makes things a little frustrating - where I would head to the travel agent on Monday and say "BOOK IT"...he needs to "weigh things out first". I live in the moment - which isn't always a good thing...

I think the moral of the story is that when September rolls around, I begin to get antsy. Then I make impulse decisions. Last year, I woke up on September 2 and decided that I would book a ticket to London…it appears that this could become an annual event…are there any other countries that I could get a visa for??? Let’s face it, returning to London will eventually become monotonous.