Talking fat Some More

I’ve been keeping up with this happy blog for over a year now. Considering I have major commitment issues, I would say that is pretty good! If you have been reading for any length of time, you might know that it was meant to chronicle my days in Banbury, England – however short they may have been.

Time out for a moment. I’m at my regular coffee watering hole, but I can’t concentrate. Thanks to a recent upgrade to my laptop, earphones are no longer recognized by the system. Part of my “blogging zone” includes listening to music. Instead I am now forced to listen to the girls on my right side talking about kidney dialysis and how stupid physiologists are (assumed med students), and the table of girls to my left discussing how fantastically awesome they are (oh to be young and full of ego!).

Needless to say, this isn’t going far.

Alright, so this blog started as my testimonials for life in Banbury. It has kind of adapted into a chronicle of my disaster zone and weight loss goals. I guess the weight loss thing is sort of relevant at the moment; it has kind of consumed my life for the past 16 months, and prevents me from seizing a life that I desperately want. Mainly I blog about the weight thing to help others struggling with the challenge; it’s not something I talk too much about in the “real world”.

Recently I was asked if loosing weight has made me happier. If I had to evaluate my happiness, from a year ago compared to today, I would have to say that I am far more unhappy (does that make sense?). Ok, yes, a large part of that has to do with the mass uncertainty surrounding many aspects of my life at the moment. But…But… Here’s the big but…the weight loss has made me far from happy.

The true confession is that I see myself far fatter today than I did in 2007. I look at my body and keep thinking… “God, that’s gross!”

Maybe I spent so long ignoring my size, that now I’m making up for it.

But then there is the notion of the 30 pounds – I can’t kick start my weight loss again. Even with cutting meat, and moving to a largely fruit and veggie diet, my body is in a “f*ck you” mode. And even once the 30 pounds is gone, will I really be satisfied?

Now here is the other side of weight loss…
I’ve worked so hard to get to this point – to be able to see muscle definition, bones, etc that it makes me fearful. As much as I want to go back to London, I live in fear that it could undo that work; that the muscles will go mushy, and the fat will return. That fear is justified – when I started piling on weight, it happened literally overnight. It can’t be the reason for living in fear, can it? Yet the fear doesn’t go away – I could never replicate my home workout in London, the hills that I climb every day do not exist in the metropolitan environment.

The most amazing thing is how I have managed to reach this point with the zero willpower that I have. I am still unable to control myself around my primary comfort foods. Wave chocolate in front of my face, and watch out! Throw in bread, beer battered chicken strips, wings, etc and it is a cataclysmic breakdown.

Now, if you are doing the weight fight, I can’t say that it is all bad. But loosing weight won’t change your life (unless you were on the Biggest Loser and happen to sign T.V. and book deals as a result. Or if you are Jared and you went to Subway to loose your weight. Neither apply to me). I would love to say that I had more direction, or some sort of stability thanks to the weight loss. I don’t.

The only really cool thing is my anonymity – people don’t recognize me now. And that’s a really positive affirmation. The encouragement and support that I receive are awesome. Initially when an individual begins to have noticeable weight loss changes, people are afraid to ask about it. Now, I have lost enough weight that friends, family, neighbours, etc, ask me about the process and want to talk about it. Consistently I am told that I must feel so much better; but in reality I do not. I’ve always been active, the only difference is that I eat
better.

Alright, so I’m running out of time for today, and too be honest, my head is swirling. I’m not sure if it is because I am getting sick or because I am hung over. It could be both.







Pictures: LEFT - Ottawa, March 2008 - side profile pic that made me cry ;p (I had already been on "diet" for four months and thought I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay thinner!); RIGHT - Thunder Bay, April 17, 2009 (first side profile pic that I was actually moderately OK with!)

Talking Fat and Cutting the Bull...meat..whatever...

So, 15 months (or so) of healthy living and I feel like I am starting from scratch. As I’ve mentioned, I never once read a guide to healthy living, dieting, etc. I didn’t jump on the bandwagon of a fad diet. Basically I just did what seemed right – and apparently it was mostly right, because it was mostly successful.

Recently I read a book “The Master Cleanse”. While the majority of this book was hooey (good use of my university vocabulary) and I disagree with major segments of this book, it did get me thinking. First off, I will never likely do a master cleanse. When the author forewarned of advanced yeast problems from doing the cleanse, I was sort of turned off by the idea. Seriously – who actually pursues a yeast infection? I’m sure the makers of Canasten and Monistat are pleased.
And contrary to the author’s belief, I do actually believe in the co-dependent relationship my intestinal bacteria and I have. Let’s face it – it’s really the most successful relationship that I have at the moment (or at least the easiest to maintain). Why ruin it?
The same friend who recommended the Master Cleanse (and the Martha’s Vineyard Diet) also recommended another book. “Skinny Bitch”. I was sceptical, but what the heck – I’m not doing anything productive with my time. Why not read it?

And it made sense.

Let’s get something clear first:
- I believe that humans should eat meat. I was technically trained as an evolutionary scientist; I believe that our evolution has hardwired us to be omnivores. In other words, I have no problems with humans consuming meat.
- I believe that there is something horrendously wrong with our culture, in terms of nutrition and lifestyle, and that has resulted in obesity.
- I believe that cows, sheep, pigs, etc, living on meat-farms were meant to be meat. That does not mean that I believe in animal cruelty, and does not mean that I like how these animals are destroyed. I can accept that if I were to walk into a slaughter house, I would likely be an instant vegetarian.
- Contrary to this, I am an advocate of the seal hunt. From the perspective of a person with an environmental science background, I can understand that the seal population has surpassed the natural carrying capacity of the environment; sometimes to maintain healthy and genetically viable populations, it is necessary to do a cull. I believe that there are other animal populations that have surpassed their carrying capacity as well. The Canada Goose and white-tailed deer (Odocoileus virginianus) are two populations that are heading for disaster in some localized areas. They need a cull. PETA will hate me.
- When a population surpasses the natural carrying capacity of the environment, natural pathogens materialize that systematically wipe out the population. That’s death. Or severely compromised animals cannot sustain themselves and then pass their problems on to other members. More death.
- I believe that when an animal population develops these pathogens, eventually, over time, these same pathogens (or whatever you want to call them) can modify themselves on a cellular level to infect humans. More disease. More death. But do you understand the survival of the fittest idea?
- To me it is better to have a small population of genetically viable, happy animals then starving, diseased, unhappy animals. I also don’t want avian flu. Or Mad Cow Disease. Or HIV. Selfish me. Make sense?
- I believe that human population has surpassed (or nearly) the environmental carrying capacity – pandemics and epidemics are the environment’s way of dealing with this. Luckily humans aren’t that bright, and have a habit of destroying themselves.
- All that being said, I don’t know why seals are clubbed. That guy I see in England – who is coincidently English (and we know what the English think of the seal hunt), argues with me about the seal hunt. While I am touched that the English think about us little Ole Canadians, I can’t explain why we partake in cruelly beating on the noggins of happy little seal pups. This really has nothing to do with anything, but I just want to say that I don’t actually like seal clubbing per se, I just agree with the seal hunt. I wanted to clear that up. PETA still hates me.
- Where was I heading with this??
- Oh ya…meat eating…sorry PETA
- Ok….so the decision to be a vegan, vegetarian, herbivore, or whatever – I really do believe that humans were meant to eat meat. That doesn’t mean I like how cows, pigs, etc, are killed. Bessy the cow isn’t particularly cute to me. The sheep that head butts Kobalt every summer, while out in the herding ring – I would like to see her become mutton. But in a humane way of course.
- For the record, every time I step into a herding ring, I do it with the knowledge that there is the chance that my dog or the livestock could be severely injured. In all honesty, I have had a sheep die in the ring. It was entirely accidental, and altogether traumatizing. You can’t always predict what animals will do. But it didn’t stop me from herding, training a dog to herd, or kept me from eating meat. Life happens.

So you get it, right?
I do believe that humans should eat meat.

I told my friend this the other day – she too has a background in evolutionary science.

And her response?
“What if we could evolve beyond meat? What if we are? Who says we keep having to eat meat?”

Hmmm…I don’t have an answer to this; no argument. Nothing.

We are geeks.

With my background in bones I do have moderate understanding as to what the evolution of bones tells us. Here is what I know. Humans are loosing their third molars – wisdom teeth. Yep – that’s right – not every single person gets them anymore (much to the chagrin of dentists who like to pull them out at a nifty fortune). But why are we loosing them?
Do you want to see other examples of evolution?
The dew claw on a dog’s legs? That’s evolution – it used to be a full fledged toe. Now it’s a middle-of-the-leg useless appendage.
The fusion of the leg bones in large ungulates. Evolution.


So “Skinny Bitch”. Again, I don’t necessarily agree with everything the authors argued. That would be silly. But there are things that they pointed out that I have heard more than once…and in journal articles. This was just a simplified version – and I understand it. I like things written in clear, concise language. I should learn to do that.

Unlike the authors, I don’t actually mind eating dead animal – likening it to decaying flesh is a little troubling…but…I can get over it.

I think it was the realization of just how gross our North American meat really is. And just how disgusting our meat industry truly is – and maybe I don’t want to support that anymore.

I don’t know if I could every truly become a vegan. A couple of weeks ago I consciously decided to cut out red meat. That really wasn’t an issue; I wasn’t a big red meat eater to start with. I just disturbed by what I was learning about our red meat products (including luncheon processed meats). Now I am looking at cutting out white meat – that poses more of a challenge. I don’t particularly like white meat, but it is sort of nice to dress it up.

Every day we inhale carcinogens, lather them on our skin, and ingest them. At almost 29 years old, maybe I don’t want to consume them anymore. I don’t like genetically modified animals in my belly; I don’t like knowing that genetically modified animals are eating the remains of other genetically modified animals. I also dislike that nobody really knows the long term consequences of eating the genetically modified crap, or the hormonally infused animal that we consume…except that these things contain carcinogenic elements.

Thanks to England, I made a conscious decision to start eating only raw sugar because of the health benefits (as opposed to eating processed). Seems stupid to keep eating cancer-causing agents, doesn’t it?

No, it’s not just that that I want to stop playing Russian Roulette with my food – what’s the point of life, if you can’t incorporate a bit of a gamble? Cancer is a gamble.

I still want to finish loosing weight. That means another diet shake up to go along with my recent workout shake up.

But, maybe it is time to wise up too.

No, I’ll never be entirely carcinogen free. Wave a cigarette in front of my face, and I’m more than willing to smoke it. I’m sure my makeup has a ton of chemicals in it – I use Clinique; who knows what is in it? But I will still use it. I drive and subsequently inhale exhaust. And even so, there is something about an industry that quietly modifies products that are directly ingested, that seems – hmmm…corrupt.

Giving up proper meat isn’t that big of an issue for me – it’s giving up on dairy that makes me a little sad. I love cheese – errr…pizza. But really? Would you breast feed from the woman sitting next to you? No?!?!?! Then why would you breast feed from a cow? Or a goat?

So – “Skinny Bitch” – ya, it is targeted at women. But I think I think men should read it too. It might open your eyes. Or at least make you think…and PETA is likely still unimpressed with me.

Talking Fat #9: The Meltdown

Two weekends ago I experienced a major food meltdown. I’m having a bit of trouble coming out of that meltdown. I love unhealthy food! I want Chinese food, curry, chocolate, icing – everything! For the ultimate flavour experience, most restaurants do not prepare ethnic food with “health” in mind. Let’s face it – fatty foods really do taste better. Yes, Chinese and East Indian foods could be prepared fairly healthy – but they aren’t – because it doesn’t taste as good!
Since returning from Vancouver I have been struggling to get my eating habits back in check. Sure, I feel much better when I eat right, and the benefits should be clear. I am also struggling to work out – again, I feel better when I work out. When I am on a regular exercise regime, I rarely get sick, my joints feel good, I have energy – sometimes too much. I hate spending time working out. Unfortunately I am starting to remember how easy it is to gain weight. No, correction – I’m remembering how easy it is for ME to gain weight. Sniff a piece of chocolate cake, and bang! There are 5 pounds on the waist.
The problem with my eating, is that I’m an emotional eater. The more stressed out I am, the more I will devour. Short of becoming a trash compacter, I have an appetite like no other. Now, combine my love for food with the fact I haven’t been eating what I want for the past 15 months, with the fact that I am stressed out…oh food meltdown, here I come! When I emotional eat, I have no off switch- there is no point at which I am full. The other night I devoured my dinner, literally by sucking it up. One of my girlfriends looked at me with some shock – and then showed more shock, when she realized I wasn’t full! As it turns out, moderately-less-fat-Leanne can actually eat more than Obese Leanne could. Really! After loosing over 100 pounds, I have an appetite that rivals my former self. Luckily there are few people who I actually allow to witness my true appetite.
Oh yes, I could eat – “eat healthy” is what I will be told. But it is not the healthy stuff that I want. It’s the empty calories, dripping with sweetness, that I so desire.
Ok now granted, I keep a good enough work out regime that I have a higher metabolism than I once had – but trust me, even with working out, I will never burn off the calories that I want to consume.

So, how will I deal with this food crisis? New tactics! New psychological conditioning! New strategies!

Tactic #1: Meal Planning
I’ve never really been into planning my meals. When I wake up in the morning, I grab whatever is in the freezer to defrost, and I work around that. This tactic involves me actually planning out my meals for the 5-7 days. Tonight we are eating turkey stew and salad. Sunday we are at an event, so I will try to maintain a careful distance from the deep fryers. Monday will be rosemary grilled pork chops, steamed vegetables, and salad. Tuesday’s menu calls for turkey tacos, seasoned potatoes (zero trans fat), and salad. Wednesday will be the boringly grilled chicken breast, fresh veggies, and maybe something with rice.

Two things – I’m trying to branch out the food options. For the majority of the past year, I have stuck mainly to grilled chicken breasts, broccoli, salad, and beans. It gets boring! Sometimes I would spice up the chicken breasts with Mrs. Dash. It doesn’t matter how you cover it, it is still a stinky grilled chicken breast. The other thing: I’m actually in the process of limiting my available meat options; a book that I recently read has pushed me towards cutting red and processed meats (including lunch meats, sausage, etc) out of my diet. Just because I love food, doesn’t mean I want my body to be a wasteland.

Tactic #2: Psychological Conditioning
This has more to do with working out. As I am returning to London at the end of the month, I have decided to increase my work out haul. The psychological factor is convincing myself (through every miserable step) is that it is “only for 2 weeks”, “only for 2 weeks”, “only for 2 weeks”.

Odds & Ends
I am presently reading the book “The Complete Master Cleanse”; you may know it by its more common name – The Lemonade Diet. My friend was talking about this great cleanse that cleaned out the colon, and removed years of debris from your system. I am sceptical, and think it is a bunch of hooey. At one point the author praises the cleanse for removing parasites and bacteria from the digestive system. Newsflash! We need those parasites!
Because I really have nothing to do, I might try this lemonade diet. I realize that any weight loss generated on such a diet is entirely superficial and the weight gain will be almost instantaneous once the diet is over. I just want to prove it is hooey.

The same friend is also interested in the Martha’s Vineyard Diet. You can loose 20 pounds in 20 days. I think this is hooey too. I feel that both of these diets, and any other fad diet, banks on the fact that you weren’t previously dieting when you started. Any time you “start” a diet from scratch, you will loose a fairly substantial amount of weight in the early stages; don’t credit the fad diet – credit your body.

This whole lifestyle-change-thing, has actually diversified my palate. A year ago I would never have eaten calamari – I ate it a week ago, and really enjoyed it. You reach a point that it really doesn’t matter what you eat, as long as you eat.

I’m keeping my breakfasts as 1 cup of Special K (various flavours) with a small amount of skim milk, 100 g of yogurt, 1 slice of toast or fruit, and coffee. I’m trying to eat lunch – lately it has been Knorr Coloured soups (green or red), and maybe toast. I need to get away from products with yeast – I could live on bread, and it’s really not that good for you.

Lastly, I just need to say that I am going crazy this spring. Peasants tops (or whatever they are called now) are the in-thing in all of the stores (at least in North America, and I’m hoping in London too!). A year ago I couldn’t fit the clothes in the majority of clothing stores. I love the Bohemian look, and I love peasant tops, and I fit clothes this spring – every time I walk past Costa Blanca, Old Navy, or whichever other store, I actually drool! Finally I fit, and I have no money!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I found a store in Edmonton that I am in LOVE with – XXI (Forever 21) – and can be relieved we don’t have one in Thunder Bay. I am in clothing angst!

Talking Fat #8: The Ultimate Confession

So I’ve talked a bit about the whole “cleaning up my act and eating healthy” transition that I’ve undertaken. Today I’m going to talk about the reversal – the moments where it is oh-so-easy to fall off the wagon and go on a food bender. I love food – specifically junk food. If it has calories, carbs, sugar, icing, or any other unhealthy component, it is right up my alley.
The five days that I spent in Vancouver and Edmonton were a testament to my lack of willpower. Let me break it down (warning: you may be disgusted).

Thursday (AKA Flight Day)
Started off not too badly – ok, I forgot eat breakfast.
Thunder Bay to Toronto: coffee
Toronto Airport: a really tasty sandwich layered with mayo, chicken, and other garnish, a large double double coffee, and a Tim Horton butter croissant, apple juice
Toronto to Vancouver: coffee, Bits & Bites, more coffee, cookies
Vancouver: Chinese food combo order (lemon chicken, noodles, and a spring roll), gelato (two scoops: toblerone, coffee flavour), cheese, wine, crackers, coffee

Friday (AKA Chris arrives)
Starbucks coffee (Americano), a Starbucks dessert (maybe a muffin or blueberry bar, I can’t be certain), Twix chocolate, a steamed pork bun, all-you-can-eat Indian buffet in the Punjabi market (and I ate, and ate, and ate – there was salad, desert, and copious quantities of food – the waiter actually looked shocked by my eating vigour), sweet rolls, and a rice cake, and I’m sure there was more coffee at some point

Saturday (AKA Food Meltdown)
Breakfast (pancakes with syrup, scrambled eggs, toast), coffee, a Japanese Bento box (California rolls, spring rolls, teriyaki chicken, noodles, miso soup, noodle salad), gyoza, wine, kokanee beer, corona (several), a chocolate and whip cream crepe, Starbucks berry chai tea (mmmmm: warm kool aid)

Sunday (AKA Flight Day to Edmonton)
Chris did the early morning coffee run to Starbucks, more coffee, bits & bites, Marble Slab ice cream (birthday cake flavour with strawberries mashed in), Cajun lunch (gumbo soup, sweet potato fries, and a pulled pork wrap), Tim horton’s blueberry Danish, Wendy’s chicken strip combo, and more coffee

Monday (AKA A day to myself)
Soup (something Cajun, I think), pulled chicken sandwich, fries, coleslaw, Tim Horton’s coffee, a blueberry Danish, baba ganouj, hummus, an Indian chicken wrap, more fries, coffee

Tuesday (AKA Flying Home)
Tim Horton’s coffee, Bits and Bites, coffee, more coffee, more Bits and Bites, a Tim Horton’s blueberry bagel with light cream cheese (because at this point, “light” is important!), more Tim Horton’s coffee, Special K cereal (wait??!! Was I getting healthier again), salad…I fell asleep at 9pm, so my eating day was cut short.

Appalled? Me too! First off, I didn’t know I could eat that much in the course of five days. Secondly, the highlight of my travels was apparently the food, or so it would seem. On the bright side, I wasn’t hungry again until Thursday.

So here’s the point: no matter how much you clean up your lifestyle – old habits die hard! I’m a junk food addict and have zero willpower.

The irony is - for the past 15 months I've tried to stick to under 1500 calories a day (initially it was 1000 calories). I can't even imagine my daily calorie intake during my 5 day sojourn.

Talking Fat #7: Part 2

Admittedly, some days I hate this. The past couple of weeks have been really hard again. I am an emotional eater – the more stressed I am, the more sugar I like. And the past few weeks have been stressful…Plus the inundation of Valentine’s Day chocolate has been difficult to ignore. Needless to say I have been calorie splurging for the past couple of days – ok, for the majority of the past week. And as it turns out, the “weight maintenance” porridge/oatmeal I have been eating, isn’t the healthiest of options. So yes, the scale has gone up a couple of pounds, and I am not pleased, but I'm not overly worried.

I have consistently had weight declines (minus the normal fluctuations that a woman experiences at certain times of the month), so having an increase is a bit disheartening. I had basically stopped calorie splurging because of that nagging mentality “every day that I take off, is two extra days tacked on”. Doesn’t it suck that calories are so easy to accumulate, but take double the effort to burn? Unfortunately, there comes a point that your body needs a break from the hardcore diet insanity.

Even with the gain, I do recognize the necessity that I am coming to a point that I need to stop obsessing. My body is kind of telling me to f*ck off (ya, I said it), and there is a point that you need to let it adjust.

Now for the educational portion of this drivel. The one thing that drives me crazy is seeing the number of people who have become dependent on places like McDonald’s, Wendy’s, etc. While a lot of fast food places claim to have become “healthy”, people really need to take a closer look at the caloric intakes of their favourite items. A lot of those meal combos contain the majority of calories that a person should consume for a day - in a single meal! The reality is, most individuals have a combo for lunch and then a full dinner; meaning they have exceeded their daily caloric necessities. Combine fast food with our sedentary lifestyles, and you can begin to understand why so many North Americans and Europeans are heading towards obesity.

I have worked in a school since 1999. In that time, I have been shocked by what I have seen students consuming as apart of their daily meals. It is now common to see kids eating a fast food over the lunch hour. Then combine this with chocolate, candy, icing, etc and the perception of a well-rounded lunch is achieved. I am actually a huge advocate for banning junk food in schools, and was quite in favour of banning items like Mr. Noodles. To read more about schools that have successfully banned bad foods, click on the following link http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/12/11/sugar.free.school/index.html.

My present gripe is with Starbucks. I was fairly shocked by the calorie content of a lot of the food items at Starbucks. My favourite item is the ginger molasses cookie; it tips the scale with 400 calories. My favourite beverage is a strawberries and crème blended cream – with whip it is a mere 500 calories. Combined, these two items though a tasty treat, are about half of my daily caloric intake!! And these two items certainly don’t fill me up for any length of time. I also like the blueberry muffins – they are only 450 calories…ha! Luckily my Café Americano is only around 20 calories. It has to balance somewhere...

So my advice to anyone who is dieting, is to go online and do a nutritional check. Some times it is difficult to find out caloric values (for instance, Starbucks is a pain in the butt; they leave it to their individual stores to post nutritional data for food – which means it doesn’t get done; I have had to use Google to find out the truth!). Again, I recommend fitday.com to find out caloric values.

One way to tell whether the food you are consuming is good or not is based on the consistency of your excrement (poop, crap, etc). Yup. That’s right. Unless you have other health issues that impact your bowels, your poop is a good indicator of your diet. As I am not into the habit of discussing poop, you can Google it (though I’ve never tried). Or you can try a simple experiment – tomorrow, eat a ton of junk…see what happens the next morning. The following couple of days, eat healthy – and notice the difference. I took a Medical Anthropology course a few years ago; we discussed the consistency of poop – highly entertaining.

Anyways, if you don’t mind, I am going to finish chugging my double chocolately chip blended cream, eat my ginger molasses cookie, and wallow in my guilt.

Talking Fat #7: More Calories Part 1

**This is another split entry**

Pic: Europe 2004**


This “dieting” thing has gone on far longer than I ever expected. As mentioned, I had seriously underestimated my starting weight. An ordeal that I expected to be over within ten months, has now dragged into month fifteen. I anticipate that I still have another five (plus) months to go. The deceptive part, is that even if I am “finished” in six months, I am not truly finished. This is a permanent lifestyle change; six months down the road I will have to start worrying about maintaining the weight loss – not just about how to kick start it.

The problem with weight loss for the clinically obese, is that there is always a substantial risk that the weight will pack back on. I don’t really understand the reasons for this. It is almost like our bodies suddenly became programmed to store additional fat; as soon as the opportunity materializes, our bodies become highly opportunistic. The larger problem is that the weight gain is never equivalent to the loss; it is usually accompanied by an additional 50 or more pounds. I have already realized that I have sluggish metabolism – at 30, a woman’s metabolism declines even more – so in 2 years my metabolism will clinically dead.

Unfortunately I have been down this road before. As a teenager I was fat – after my dad died of an apparent heart attack (he was obese, with high blood pressure), I had a wake up call. During my last two years of high-school, I went through a substantial period of weight loss, just by cleaning up my eating habits and working out constantly. I think I was more hardcore back then – cleaning up my eating habits was actually a literal period of starvation. I started this present ordeal by cutting back to 1000 calories a day. In high school I was eating far less than that on a daily basis. I worked out a lot, and it became a sickness. I really had no idea what I was doing, but it worked (or so I thought). The weight was pouring off, and I was finally getting the body that I had wanted. I didn’t matter how I did it, just as long as I got it done. Let’s face it though – 13 years ago, I don’t think we knew as much about eating healthy as we do now. Most people really did believe that low calorie diets were the only way to loose weight. That’s why the mentality is so engrained in us now.

At around the same time I knew several others who were going through the same ordeal. I had a co-worker who was using Weight Watchers, a friend who was using weight loss pills, another friend who was using starvation…and so it goes…It was all about getting to the end goal the fastest way possible. We each considered it healthier to be thin, with little consideration as to the unhealthy ways that we were achieving our goals.

Now here is the thing: we all gained our weight back. And then some…

None of us considered the long term aspects of weight loss. Basically speaking, which ever method you use to loose weight, is the method that you will use for the rest of your life in order to maintain that weight loss. Maybe there is a point at which you can splurge for prolonged periods; maybe your body does hit homeostasis after awhile; mine never did.

This is one of my biggest fears; I wake up daily with that gnawing fear of weight gain. I would love to go back to the freedom with which I used to eat. I would love to not work out tomorrow and maybe the next. Or get up in the morning, and not have to plan out my caloric intake for the day. Oh, and I would love to not feel guilty if I decide to not work out, or eat chocolate....TBC...

Talking Fat #6: A Tale of Two Scales

As I’ve mentioned, I spent nearly eight months in complete ignorance of my weight. In retrospect that was probably a good thing. Had I known my starting weight, I likely would have driven myself crazy. I guess I am still shocked by what I likely weighed when I started. I never felt that overwhelmingly obese. Actually, about a week ago I found out the BMI of a 5’5 female weighing 300 pounds – I was politely told by a website that I was “extremely obese”. Thanks. Ok, so it hurts to hear, but it’s true – I was.

Having been active, and unimpeded by my weight, I just never felt like an ‘extremely obese’ person. Except on a plane – in a plane seat, I felt like a beached whale. In order to avoid embarrassment, I sucked it in so I never had to ask for a seat belt extension. I was riding dangerously close to extension territory though. Other than those ill fated plane trips, I was a thin person stuck in the body of an ‘extremely obese’ person.
During the initial weight loss, I actually took guidance from my clothes to the degree of my success. Starting at a size 24-26, it seemed to take no time at all to get down to a size 18. When I hit 18, it was like a mini party – I swore (and still do) that I would never cross that 20 threshold again.

Ignorant bliss can only last for so long. In July 2008, I finally had to let the walls come *shattering* down. After a heated discussion with the guy I am presently seeing, I knew I had to find out the real number (don’t worry, he’s supportive – I was being the difficult one!). But here is the problem – weight loss, especially extreme weight loss, is a highly emotional battle. There are times that you feel as though you are going nowhere. There are the moments that the fight is just too much to deal with, and the body and mind enter into a state of emotional exhaustion. In July I really thought I was well below 200 pounds. I had to be. I figured I was close to my initial goal of 180 pounds (which was actually supposed to have been crossed in April 2008).

I hated our bathroom scale – a relic that is actually ten years away from being classified as an archaeological artefact. So the following day I stumbled into Walmart (good old Walmart). Apparently scales have changed in the forty years – I was confronted by a number of models, each with fancy gadgets and various programmable features. Since my goal was strictly to weigh myself, and not to program it to play movies, make margaritas, or reach lunar orbit, I finally settled on a basic digital model. Hell, I thought digital was pretty high-tech.

So that night was the grand unveiling – finally finding out the result of 8 months of hard work and emotional upheaval….
And then there was the shock that followed…
Ya. So as it turned out I didn’t weigh 180 pounds. I didn’t weight 200 pounds. Noooo…I was still over 210 pounds (and I’m not saying by how much). Now by July, I had already gone down a bunch of sizes….huh…surely it had to be wrong.
So I tried our old, archaeological specimen scale. And it had the exact same weight. huh. Not good.
I’m not going to claim that the fallout from this discovery was pretty. I’m also not going to claim that I handled it like a trooper. Oh no. I certainly did not handle it well. But that is when I knew that my starting weight had been well over what I had expected. WELL OVER (with emphasis). There were tears. There was stress and anxiety, and that nagging voice in the back of my mind that kept saying “You aren’t finished yet, not by a long shot!”
I am the first one to tell people not to live by the scale while they are dieting. You can’t. It’s too much of a mind game. For instance, I know that my weight naturally fluctuates by at least 10 pounds on a monthly basis. One day you step on the scale, and it reads 5 pounds heavier than it did the previous day. That little shock is then followed by an emotional breakdown. The longer you are on this path, the harder it is to accept those moments.

As a result of that initial weigh-in shock, I did live by the scale for quite awhile. Every day, multiple times a day, I would check the number. There was method to my madness though – the whole reason my weight got out of control was because I had quit weighing myself in 1999. Now I must never let my nerves get the better of me. Even if the reality is too difficult to deal with, it is better to know than to return to blissful ignorance. While in London, my one splurge purchase was a scale – I had to know that my weight wasn’t going back up (especially since I was living off sandwiches, and Tesco sandwiches are like the holy Mecca of unhealthy – thanks mayo)

A couple of nights ago, I was again confronted by the stress of a weight fluctuation. I cross referenced the two scales and realized there was a five pound discrepancy. Granted, five pounds isn’t a lot. But when you are working towards moving down, watching it go up is really disconcerting. So basically it is the battle of the scales- the old relic versus the newer digital one. The newer digital one is reading a lower weight, and it is the one that I will favour. And you know what? I’m ok not knowing which one is right – just as long as the number starts moving downwards again.

I have been praised for my conviction to this process, and the changes that I’ve made. Unfortunately you also reach a point that it doesn’t matter what you’ve done – all that matters is how far you have to go. Right now I am in one of those lulls. It is so close, and I could care less that I have gotten here – all I care about is the moment that I finally arrive. I know that I stand in a relatively tumultuous place. I fear the day that I return to London, and am too tired to work out on a routine basis. I won’t have a grill, so I won’t be able to cook as healthy as I have been. The fear of returning to the Old Leanne, is overwhelming, and yet I haven’t fully arrived at the New Leanne. Oh if only this was somehow simple!

The day after I weighed myself for the first time in nearly 10 years...I wasn't a happy camper :-p

Talking Fat #3: Food for Thought (PT 1)

Food…mmmmmm. Food has been my longest and most consistent relationship. There is nothing wrong with food – unfortunately there is a difference between eating “good” food and eating empty calories that just fill you up for the short term, but ultimately lead to binge eating.

Ok, so when I started this, I was clueless how to eat. Actually, I still am – I’m just not as clueless as I was then. Make sense?

Alright, so anyway – when I got fully underway, sometime in late November 2007, I decided initially to begin by eating 1000 calories a day. Ya. That’s not so smart.

Let me clear up a big fallacy about calorie cutting. First off- one pound is equal to 3000 calories. So let’s pretend that you do absolutely nothing one day – you don’t breathe, move, your body doesn’t do anything on the cellular level, and you use 0 calories – but you somehow consume 3000 calories. You have just consumed a ton more calories than your body needed – and you gain a pound because you are doing to burn those calories up Now this is a virtually impossible scenario, because you always burn calories, even while asleep.

Same deal – now let’s pretend that you eat one thousand calories, but expend 3000. Well, simple math: you have a 2000 calorie deficit. Tomorrow you eat another 1000 calories, and expend 2000 calories – you have another 1000 calorie deficit. A pound is lost over the course of 2 days.

These are very simplified scenarios, and it is nowhere close to being so cut and dry, but it is an illustration of how all of this works.

I have read a lot of different theories on weight loss - some people say that 1 pound a week is alright – some say 2. I hold true to the belief that your body will tell you if you are being an idiot.

During the first couple of weeks that you diet, you will loose a fair amount of weight – the beginning is really easy – sometimes deceptively so. You will find yourself in the this amazing euphoria, which can make it really difficult further down the road, when your weight appears to be stuck. I will discuss the middle, during another blog entry.

Now here is the problem with purposely trying to create a substantial caloric deficit: starvation. Your body eventually has a couple of different responses. It will either enter starvation mode, which means that it will hold on to every single calorie possible – which can ultimately lead to weight gain. Another response is muscle eating – you might loose weight, but that weight is coming from the muscle that your body can’t support – not really a good thing. Another potential risk of substantial calorie shortages (and associated weight loss) is rapid weight gain – you know the people who have lost copious amounts of weight, and then suddenly gain it all back (almost overnight) with an additional 50 pounds? Ya. This is partly why.

But you still do need to have a calorie deficit to loose weight – just not a substantial one. What you need to do is work out your BMI and what it would take to maintain your weight at your given height. So if you are 5’4 and weigh 120 pounds it will take far fewer calories to maintain yourself (depending on activity level) than it will take someone who is 5’4 and 280 pounds.

Alright so I started by severely cutting my caloric intake. And to be honest, it wasn’t that bad (but again, you shouldn’t do it). In order to keep track of my intake and output, I registered on http://www.fitday.com/; a site that does all of the calculating for you!! Nice deal.

K..I'm leaving it there for now...talk soon ;-P

Talking Fat Part 2

When I started this whole weight ordeal, I didn’t tell a soul. Some people need the encouragement and support of the world. I needed secrecy. I never went out and announced “Hey! I’m starting a diet on Monday!” This really isn’t a good approach to weight loss – it sort of sets you up for failure in that regard. I also didn’t “start” in the conventional sense. I did not decide on Friday that Monday would be “the” day to begin (which generally means you spend your weekend binging on every bad food that you enjoy!)…I kind of just fell into a beginning.

Ok let me clear something up first – I have started many, many, many diets on Monday. I have also started many diets “tomorrow”. I have fallen off many diets the following day, and decided that I would just finish binging for that 24 hour period and begin again the next day…or the following Monday…or I would just stop for the weekend and start over…and so on…and so forth…

What I am trying to stay is that it doesn’t work.

Here is the other thing. When you decide to start, you have to want it. You can’t just do it because society says so…or because Cosmo wants you to….or because that size 10 dress would look hot on you…You really need to want it. I say that I can’t commit – but the truth is, if you are obese and you want to change your life, this is the hardest of commitments.

I know, if you have never had this battle, you can probably look at it from the health perspective – it’s just plain healthy to eat right, and be thin – uh huh…f*ck off (sorry, that’s Northern Ontario terminology for…f*ck off). Here is my advice to someone who has never gone through this or is a fatist: pick one area of your life and change it completely – undo your programmed regime, and start something new. Not so simple is it?

Now let me make something else clear – I’ve never read a diet book. I have taken no guidance from a dietician. I have not been helped by a personal trainer, watched videos, or participated in fad diets. I belonged to a gym in 2007; I hated it and quit. I never went. I’ve never belonged to Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, or any other organization. I haven’t had a support group. I will acknowledge that these options do work for some individuals. Not me. This was a personal struggle.

So let me get back on track. I began this in mid-November of 2007. One day, I got up and decided that I should really start walking again. And so I did. I started off by walking about 2.5 km a day. Being that it was November, I realized that it would be a difficult commitment because I dislike winter, and horrendous temperatures would soon be upon me. But I trudged along…

A week or so later, I realized that walking was great, but generally pointless without changing something else. Hmmm…maybe eating chocolate bars, stopping at Tim Horton’s for donuts, and indulging in a multitude of high calorie junk really wasn’t a good idea….
And so over the course of two weeks, I changed my whole lifestyle. I went from a semi active fat person willing to eat any crap that passed in front of her, to a fairly active fat person who was *trying* to eat healthy.

So…eating healthy…I need to clear something up about that…

Often you hear about people who travel, finding themselves experiencing diarrhea and other maladies thanks to the local cuisine. Likewise, when I decided to clean up my eating habits, I experienced many of the same symptoms. I’m not going to claim that the initial phases of healthy eating are pretty. They aren’t. If you have conditioned your body to living on crap, your body will not positively respond to a sudden change. I didn’t eat vegetables. I did not eat salad on a regular basis. Oh and fruit – I HATED fruit (unless it was mixed with alcohol). I will fully admit that the first 10 pounds I lost were probably the result of being sick as a dog from eating healthy. Don’t get me wrong; it was worth it.

Ok, now here is the other thing. Because I never actually “started” this, I never weighed myself when I started. Remember in the last blog when I said that it was 9.5 years before I weighed myself? Ya. I began changing my habits in November 2007, and it was July 2008 before I stepped onto a scale (we can discuss that ordeal later). Here is what I know…
Based on pictures, on what I have been told, and on what the scale said in July, I began this whole experience weighing in somewhere around 300 pounds. I’m 5’5. I’ve never looked at the BMI of a 5’5 person weighing 300 pounds, but it can’t be good. If you need to visualize…when I sat down at McDonald’s, Tim Horton’s or whichever other fast food restaurant, I wore the table.

But really, what I am trying to point out here is that this was never about a diet. It is about a lifestyle change. On a so-called “diet” you expect to return to your normal routine once you have shed your 15 pounds. Realistically though, if you are truly overweight, you can never return to your former habits. Once you make the commitment to change your lifestyle, you have to hold true to it.

Ok…so that’s it for today…I have to get some stuff done…but in the next entry you can look forward to the food portion of this change ….some days I miss it!

Talking Fat Part 1

**This will be the first in a series of entries of highlighting weight. There is just too much to say in one entry!

Recently I stumbled across the blog of a 22 year old, who is striving to loose weight. Topping the scales at about 315 pounds, she has realized that she needs to change her life. I will admit that I respect her ability to make her struggle public, and appreciate that she has been brave enough to post pictures showing her pre-diet physique. I haven’t spent a lot of time looking over weight loss blogs; mainly because I didn’t realize that so many people chronicled their lives in this online community. Several months ago I found a blog entitled “I have bones!!” also highlighting the challenges faced by one dieter. I kind of laugh at the title, because I can empathize with it – seeing my clavicles, and being able to feel the bones in my hands and feet, after all these yeas, is somewhat of a novelty. Plus I specialized in bones…so you know…

It is ironic that I should be sitting next to my workout class instructor while I’m writing this blog (a bit of guilt materializes as I have not been present in her class for the past two weeks).

I’ve briefly mentioned by weight struggles in this blog, but have never really touched the heart and soul of the battle. Over the course of the past several months I have had numerous people stop and ask me what sort of diet I have been on – the truth is, I am not on a diet. It is not about South Beach, Atkins, Mayo Clinic, Weight Watchers, or the sundry of other fad diets that exist in this world. No, if you are substantially overweight, it is not about “dieting”. It is about changing your lifestyle. When I started this challenge, I was substantially over weight…errr…ok…I was obese.

How did I get there?

I would love to say that it was a genetic predisposition to obesity. But it’s not, and I am not entirely certain that I believe in that mentality. My parents were both overweight, but they were far from stellar examples of proper eating habits. So no, I can’t say that I have a genetic predisposition to obesity. While I have Italian and Polish ancestry (*insert ethnic jokes here*), and while the general stereotype of both cultures includes a tendency towards plumpness, I don’t use that as my excuse. Furthermore, both cultures include a heavy reliance on foods laden with starches and carbohydrates. That could potentially explain the plumpness exhibited in both. No, I can’t believe that I was genetically predisposed.

I know the evolutionary excuse for obesity: throughout human history there has been a tendency towards periods of famine. Over time, the human body adapted itself to these periods by evolving a mechanism to ensure that calories were stored for later utilization. In modern times, and in the Western World, we do not go through those periods, but are still inclined to eat like there is a possibility that famine could occur. Hence we are obese. Or something like that. No. I don’t believe that I my fat was the product of evolution, or that I am some ultra-adapted human form (and for the sake of humanity, let’s pray that I am not natural selection’s answer to evolution!)

No, I got to the point of obesity through hard work and determination. I started university in a fairly good place, health and weight-wise. I was religious about working out, and was desperate to be that thin, pretty blond in class. And then exams happened. And then I started to loath working out – if I missed a day I beat myself up incessantly (working out can be a detrimental obsession). My ex boyfriend spent a week long vacation at my house – after he left I weighed myself, and was shocked to see that in the course of 6 weeks I had gained about 20 pounds. How did that happen????? That was 1999 and it would be 9.5 years before I would step onto another scale.

I was very careful about not acknowledging my weight gain. I have done a fair bit of travelling and would decline having my pictures taken at all expense. If I couldn’t see it, it wasn’t real. I wouldn’t go to the doctor – because doctors like to weigh their patients. Gradually over time more weight packed on. It is actually quite amazing how quickly it can happen. It took no time at all to go from a size 13 to a size 26 (yep, that’s where I peaked!). Oh it helped that I had a love for beer (and copious quantities of it), junk food, pop, and foods saturated in fats, butters, etc. I loved bread. Adored donuts. There was no cut off point either. During times of stress or uncertainty I ate. It also helped that I lived in a city that seemed to pride itself in unhealthy lifestyles. Sorry Thunder Bay, but we are fat, and alarmingly so.

Now – how could I let my body get so out of control?? Did I not notice what was happening? I think the benchmark of being obese is being able to look in the mirror and not see it. Even when photos were accidently taken of me, there was no actual registering of the problem. Plus there was the other factor: I was active. Considering I was fat, I never truly felt fat. I didn’t have the back aches, ill health, diabetes, etc. I participated in dog training. I hiked, backpacked, lifted weights, etc. I remember hiking up hill in the 100 degree heat in Guatemala with a pack strapped to my back, and being able to do it without backing down. People tell me I must feel so much better now – but the truth is, I never felt bad.

Ok so if I didn’t notice, what actually happened? I would love to say there was a warning sign that initiated the change. There wasn’t. Here is the truth – it was strictly society and vanity. First off, I started to find fatist groups on Facebook. What is a fatist? A person who hates fat people – fairly straight forward right? The Brits actually host a surprising number of these groups. Then there was the fact I had a crush on a guy who I knew would never like me if I was the size of a house (which is the absolute wrong reason to loose weight!). Let me just clear something up right now: if a guy (or a girl) couldn’t feel for you before you lost the weight, they aren’t worth your time once you have. Then there was Valerie Bertinelli (oh yes)…her comment about starting a New Year without having to worry about her weight was definitely an inspiration. Ok, and then there was the idea of turning 30 and not wanting to spend another decade trapped by my weight. And the idea of wanting to travel and not having to be stared at by cultures who are stunned by “giant North Americans”. All of these things were swirling in my head…

And then came the straw that broke the camels back…


The picture…
The one that got through….

My friends and I met at Kelsey’s one afternoon in late 2007. One of my friends was expecting a baby (rather soon), and we were celebrating the impending birth. A photo was snapped of the three of us together and there it was…I was bigger than my pregnant friend. Huh…who knew???

I enjoy talking on chat programs like MSN, Skype etc – but generally declined to share my picture. It was so much effort to snap a picture that hid the evidence of my fat. If you have been down this road, you will know – angling your head to disguise the double chin, lengthening the neck…and if all else fails – lean back and hold the camera above your head and let your fat droop back.

But there was the picture that didn’t hide it.

So with all of these things circling in my head, and the picture to top it off, I knew it was time to change. And that’s where I’ll leave it for today….