Since self reflection seems to be a popular theme in blogs, I figured I would join the crowd.
I wish….
…I had left home at 18 …
…I had gone to Western…
…I had gone to Jordan and done my field training…
…I had never opened the email from a recruiter in London; it would have saved me so much stress…
…I had never gone to teacher’s college; that would have also saved me a ton of stress…
…I had gone to do my Master’s degree when I had the chance…
…I hadn’t fallen for a man across the ocean…
…I had not spent so much money on needless pursuits…
…that I had lost the weight 5 years ago instead of now…
…that I hadn’t gotten dogs; too much attachment makes it difficult to leave…
…that I wasn’t sitting across from someone who’s belly is hanging out of her skin tight hoodie…
…that I was better with commitment, and would commit to something…
…that I hadn’t lost my motivation and began to stagnate…
…that I had never started working on a thesis; it will forever bother me that it isn’t finished, and yet I will likely never complete it…
…that I hadn’t grown up in Thunder Bay, Ontario…
…that I had the motivation to go and get a trade, and fully accept that my education is useless…
…that I was more outgoing and less of a home body…
…that I had done an international exchange program in university; I desperately want my international experience…
…that I had done language training; I love to learn and should have embraced it…
…that I wasn’t scared to do what it is that I want to do…
…that I had learned to look at things from the one-day-at-a-time perspective, not on year long scales…
…that I didn’t get attached; once I get attached I can’t handle the finality of becoming unattached; maybe that’s the product of loss…
…there wasn’t a recession; that millions of people weren’t out of work; that there were clear cut directions, and that someone had all of the answers…
What if I hadn’t done of these things that I guess I regret?
- I’d never have met many of the people I now know; maybe I would have met other people, but who knows…
- Had I gone to Western, I would never have gone to half of the places I’ve been; I’d never have backpacked and found out I love it; I’d never have been to Newfoundland, spent drunken Spring Breaks in Cancun, and likely never acquired a taste for tequila…
- I wouldn’t have half of the stories that I have; it’s been a bumpy ride, but it’s been an entertaining ride…
- I’d never of had my New Orleans experience; it was good, it was bad, but it was growth…
- I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, watching a junkie with slush stained pants, search for her next caffeine hit…
- I’d never have learned to put emphasis on internal beauty rather than physical beauty; when you are fat you learn not to judge…
Not everyone can claim they had the option to take two very distinct paths. Almost eleven years ago, I was presented with the two paths – Western or Lakehead.
Had I gone to Western, things would be very different now. I would not have had half of the experiences I’ve had. I would have had other experiences…
Had I gone to Western, money would have been far too tight to travel, and I would never have learned life experiences – everything would have been confined to a book. I don’t believe that book knowledge is essential – life knowledge is far more important. That is also why I do not put much emphasis on academic education.
Had I gone to Western, I likely would never have majored in Anthropology, and never realized how much I love culture – maybe I would have, but it is doubtful.
Had I gone to Western, I would have realized how much is actually out there, in terms of career options and life opportunities; I may have learned how to pursue those options; the problem with Lakehead is being mainstreamed into very narrow topics
Had I gone to Western I would have learned to live on my own; that’s the big one; I wouldn’t be struggling at 28 to leave this city; it has become me. I will never reach my potential in this city, but it is now home. I am becoming far too ‘alright’ with never reaching my potential. I am becoming what I used to loath; or maybe I’m becoming an adult.
Can I regret never having gone to Western? Yes, on the surface I do because I would have learned how to be Leanne.
What about teacher’s college? What if I had never gone? That would have solved so many issues right now – I would never have tried to get a visa to go the UK, I would never have allowed myself to feel for someone, never have allowed myself to form some sort of attachment – oh and debt – I wouldn’t be nearly in the debt that I am now…
My thesis – I am coming to terms with the fact that I will likely never finish it. I hate my thesis but simply because of the sheer boredom that it produces, and the lack of direction that I have. Yet, I know that it will always drive me crazy that I am not finished it so eventually I will likely drive myself to complete it.
England is like my thesis. I could easily not go back to England, and give up teaching altogether. But in the back of my mind it will drive me crazy that I never finished the experience. My mind tells me to give it up; my heart isn’t ready.
England doesn’t have to be indefinite; neither does teaching…
Then there is that moment that loneliness creeps in, and the world ends….and that moment seems to take forever…
And then I wish I could see life one day at a time…
Don’t regret what you did do, only what you didn’t do…
Unfortunately what you didn’t do is so closely intertwined with what you did do. Somewhere along the way, you have to regret both…
Every day is spent in regret, contemplating what I should do – so much time goes to this that nothing is done…
I have read on numerous occasions that you do not truly understand yourself until you are about 26 (that’s also why people shouldn’t get married before 26). Apparently I’m behind…
I wish that life was somehow easier; but don’t we all?
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Thursday, 12 February 2009
Saturday, 7 February 2009
London Sooner or Later
Ok. So first off – I have been answering the same questions on a regular basis. Not surprisingly they all correspond to London. So let me settle the score. I will be returning to London – likely soon.Two weeks ago I was supposed to fly back overseas. The night before my departure, feeling an overwhelming amount of anxiety, I decided to miss my flight. One more donation to Air Canada. Lovely. Unfortunately, I keep recalling the anxiety I felt during the last go, and am now psyching myself out for my return. It’s like that horrible memory that just keeps rearing it’s ugly head – I’m sure this time will be completely different, but what if it isn’t? After a long conversation with my new recruiter, it was mutually decided that I should take more time to figure this whole situation out. It was a good decision – returning to London under those circumstances, with the amount of doubt that I was feeling, would have ultimately broken me.
So two weeks later, I am starting to dread the return (again). I don’t want to go back – to teaching. London, yes. Teaching in London – no. Unfortunately there is a recession, which means a lack of jobs. So that puts me back at square one. A recession sort of seals my fate – I have to go back and teach. Lovely.
That doesn’t mean that it is the end of the road though. I’ve applied to two separate university programs – one in international relations & development and one in international human resources. Ultimately I can’t go to school without the income that teaching provides. It is an evil reality. My other new found reality is that I need to learn – I might be addicted to education. After visiting the Athabasca University website nearly daily for the past month, I have decided to avoid registering for a needless course and actually apply my interest (and money) towards attaining a new credential (that will likely not put my any closer to a job, but like I said, I need to learn). Maybe having something to exercise my mind will also help me to stay in London. Or maybe I’m delusional. That’s more likely the real answer.
Most people would *smartly* give up by this point. There is something that keeps drawing me back to London. I am not finished with the experience, and I haven’t ended it on my own terms yet. I see the benefits of having an international experience, in terms of both professional and personal growth. Plus I want to go to Morocco, Malta, Tunisia, etc, etc, etc, and the best way to do that is to work in London. Travelling Leanne always wins.
Saturday, 27 December 2008
A Year in Review
It is official – we live in a mud hole. Two days of unseasonably warm temperatures have left a disgustingly dirty landscape. It is actually the same temperature in Thunder Bay as it is in London at this moment – which is above 0 Celsius! Don’t get me wrong – I love warmth….unfortunately the mud that warmth creates a pain in the *ss. I went for a walk and came back with a coating of dirt…more laundry…grrrr….but it has been a pretty nice reprieve from the unseasonably cold temperatures (what ever happened to the average?).
Christmas was pretty quite – I struggled through two days without Starbucks, but held my head up high. Actually I just mainly ate…and ate…and ate. I have effectively ensured that I do not have to eat again until July; good stuff – great food.
Ok, so I’ve talked about the previous necessity for teachers to reflect on their lessons, abilities, etc. Today I’m reflecting on the past year, because I’m not really sure where it has gone!! No…there is more to this reflection than meets the eye; it was exactly a year ago that a recruitment agency contacted me about moving to….England…
December 27, 2007: Contacted by I*act Teachers in London, asking whether or not I would be interested in moving to England…sure! Why not?
January
Lulled in my own complacency for the majority of the month (2008 got off to a slow start); continued on a diet that I had started in late 2007 (ok this diet has been a substantial part of my year); interviewed with I*pact and decided that I wanted to move to England ASAP – but I was entirely detached from this decision, mainly because I was stagnating in my complacency (it also gave me an excuse to not look for a Thunder Bay job!)
February
Continued to stagnate in my complacency – truly I enjoyed it. Started to become a little disenfranchised with my recruiting agency, and began to look towards more lucrative pastures. Took a brief escape to Edmonton, just in time for a wicked deep freeze - returned to Thunder Bay in time the same deep freeze. Continued to obsess about health and weight.
March
Found a new recruiting agency, was interviewed by them, then quickly interviewed (and was hired) by a school in Banbury, England (this whole evolution took place in about a week); still completely disassociated with the whole decision, and quickly applied for a visa. This included a trip to Ottawa over March break – Ottawa had a record snowfall that weekend (a mere 50cm or more fell on the city overnight). That was kind of cool. Ha! Showed a Kobalt in a dog show, and had a great weekend with him – finished a couple of titles. Oh ya….and weight and such.
April
There was a plane ride, and suddenly I was in England, clueless. My agency, relie
ved that I was in England, kind of flew the coup. I quickly learned the distinction of what an academy is – and why you don’t necessarily want to teach in one (its not as prestigious as it sounds!). Also learned that I had undercut myself by about £5000. I was not off to a good start, and out of the disassociative decision arose panic. Ultimately I jumped too quickly, and really hadn’t made sure that there was water in the pool. Lessons learned. I*act asked me to stop into their offices on my way through London. Sure? Why not? I’ll try again. I think. Oh yeah – and worried incessantly about the weight thing (especially since I had established myself in my neighbourhood local, and was drinking a fair amount of beer).
May
Reflection. Increasing complacency, and much time spent pondering the future. Briefly became a resident at Starbucks. Spent the majority of the month pondering whether or not I really wanted to go back to England. And – dieting…and exercise.
June
More reflection. Plenty of time spent at city parks chasing geese with Kobalt. Quickly began to realize that I had no long term aspirations for making a career out of goose patrol.
Not that I don’t like the job or Kobalt…
Out of boredom I decided to take classes in English and Political Science. Political Science and I got along really well; I wasn’t abstract enough to make it through English (seriously, what is the point of paying for this sort of course?).
July
Continued to work on goose control. Pondered England some more. Dieting. Ya that sums it up. Kobalt and I started herding sheep again, and had a really tumultuous start to our herding season…
August
A repetition of July. Just more geese, and it was moderately warmer and less rainy than July.
September
Great start – Kobalt finished an ASCA herding title (really it had nothing to do with me, I just watch him work and am basically a third tit). Two days after I decided to get off the pot, quit pondering, and go back to England - this time to London. The rest of the month was spent getting ready for that…and working for Elections Canada (isn’t that a joke now?)…and goosing…and working at a school…September was a moderate blur. Somewhere along the line I was also dieting…k, you really have to understand how much that dieting thing impacted 2008!
October
The month began in a haze of work; actually I worked right up until 2 hou
rs before my flight departed for Toronto. While in Toronto there was a bit of panic when the flight attendants realized the plane was “broken” but were not sure why (note to Air Canada: some information is best left unshared). Arrived in London, and quickly settled into a six week stint of moving aimlessly through Pimlico between hostels, hotels, apartments, etc. Then came the fallout of the Credit Crunch, which the BBC jumped on like a bee to honey. Quickly became re-disillusioned with my recruitment agency, after a week long delay in work, and mediocre results in securing work. Random trips to Sheffield and Leeds…more weight worries, but interspersed with awesome curry.
November
Continuing worries. Misdirected information. Money, money, money. I realized I needed another agency, but until that happened I might as well just go home. Unfortunately I was settling into London when I decided to get out – funny how that works! Discovered Caffe Nero’s hot chocolate (not really the life changing thing you would expect in a year end reflection, but it is REALLY good). Oh wait…and Obama…the teenage girls in my classes were absolutely in love with Obama…as a side note, can we start to be honest about why he is seen as the “progressive” change!?!?!! Oh yes, and the credit crunch continued – but for some reason the American dollar gained strength against the Canadian dollar, and yet the British pound lost value against everyone (which adve
rsely effected the daily wage…eeks)
December
Reflection. Reaffirmation in the sheer boringness of my thesis. Alexandra won X Factor. Waiting. Hope that I have finally found a decent recruiter. Reaffirmation that I can’t keep coming back to Thunder Bay (finding a career in a city without hope, is…hopeless.) And that brings us to today – having gone full circle; a year to the day that the England thing started…still worried about weight…and sure I’ll go to England…why not?
Christmas was pretty quite – I struggled through two days without Starbucks, but held my head up high. Actually I just mainly ate…and ate…and ate. I have effectively ensured that I do not have to eat again until July; good stuff – great food.
Ok, so I’ve talked about the previous necessity for teachers to reflect on their lessons, abilities, etc. Today I’m reflecting on the past year, because I’m not really sure where it has gone!! No…there is more to this reflection than meets the eye; it was exactly a year ago that a recruitment agency contacted me about moving to….England…
December 27, 2007: Contacted by I*act Teachers in London, asking whether or not I would be interested in moving to England…sure! Why not?
January
Lulled in my own complacency for the majority of the month (2008 got off to a slow start); continued on a diet that I had started in late 2007 (ok this diet has been a substantial part of my year); interviewed with I*pact and decided that I wanted to move to England ASAP – but I was entirely detached from this decision, mainly because I was stagnating in my complacency (it also gave me an excuse to not look for a Thunder Bay job!)
February
Continued to stagnate in my complacency – truly I enjoyed it. Started to become a little disenfranchised with my recruiting agency, and began to look towards more lucrative pastures. Took a brief escape to Edmonton, just in time for a wicked deep freeze - returned to Thunder Bay in time the same deep freeze. Continued to obsess about health and weight.
March
Found a new recruiting agency, was interviewed by them, then quickly interviewed (and was hired) by a school in Banbury, England (this whole evolution took place in about a week); still completely disassociated with the whole decision, and quickly applied for a visa. This included a trip to Ottawa over March break – Ottawa had a record snowfall that weekend (a mere 50cm or more fell on the city overnight). That was kind of cool. Ha! Showed a Kobalt in a dog show, and had a great weekend with him – finished a couple of titles. Oh ya….and weight and such.
April
There was a plane ride, and suddenly I was in England, clueless. My agency, relie
ved that I was in England, kind of flew the coup. I quickly learned the distinction of what an academy is – and why you don’t necessarily want to teach in one (its not as prestigious as it sounds!). Also learned that I had undercut myself by about £5000. I was not off to a good start, and out of the disassociative decision arose panic. Ultimately I jumped too quickly, and really hadn’t made sure that there was water in the pool. Lessons learned. I*act asked me to stop into their offices on my way through London. Sure? Why not? I’ll try again. I think. Oh yeah – and worried incessantly about the weight thing (especially since I had established myself in my neighbourhood local, and was drinking a fair amount of beer).May
Reflection. Increasing complacency, and much time spent pondering the future. Briefly became a resident at Starbucks. Spent the majority of the month pondering whether or not I really wanted to go back to England. And – dieting…and exercise.
June
More reflection. Plenty of time spent at city parks chasing geese with Kobalt. Quickly began to realize that I had no long term aspirations for making a career out of goose patrol.
Not that I don’t like the job or Kobalt…Out of boredom I decided to take classes in English and Political Science. Political Science and I got along really well; I wasn’t abstract enough to make it through English (seriously, what is the point of paying for this sort of course?).
July
Continued to work on goose control. Pondered England some more. Dieting. Ya that sums it up. Kobalt and I started herding sheep again, and had a really tumultuous start to our herding season…
August
A repetition of July. Just more geese, and it was moderately warmer and less rainy than July.
September
Great start – Kobalt finished an ASCA herding title (really it had nothing to do with me, I just watch him work and am basically a third tit). Two days after I decided to get off the pot, quit pondering, and go back to England - this time to London. The rest of the month was spent getting ready for that…and working for Elections Canada (isn’t that a joke now?)…and goosing…and working at a school…September was a moderate blur. Somewhere along the line I was also dieting…k, you really have to understand how much that dieting thing impacted 2008!
October
The month began in a haze of work; actually I worked right up until 2 hou
rs before my flight departed for Toronto. While in Toronto there was a bit of panic when the flight attendants realized the plane was “broken” but were not sure why (note to Air Canada: some information is best left unshared). Arrived in London, and quickly settled into a six week stint of moving aimlessly through Pimlico between hostels, hotels, apartments, etc. Then came the fallout of the Credit Crunch, which the BBC jumped on like a bee to honey. Quickly became re-disillusioned with my recruitment agency, after a week long delay in work, and mediocre results in securing work. Random trips to Sheffield and Leeds…more weight worries, but interspersed with awesome curry.November
Continuing worries. Misdirected information. Money, money, money. I realized I needed another agency, but until that happened I might as well just go home. Unfortunately I was settling into London when I decided to get out – funny how that works! Discovered Caffe Nero’s hot chocolate (not really the life changing thing you would expect in a year end reflection, but it is REALLY good). Oh wait…and Obama…the teenage girls in my classes were absolutely in love with Obama…as a side note, can we start to be honest about why he is seen as the “progressive” change!?!?!! Oh yes, and the credit crunch continued – but for some reason the American dollar gained strength against the Canadian dollar, and yet the British pound lost value against everyone (which adve
rsely effected the daily wage…eeks)December
Reflection. Reaffirmation in the sheer boringness of my thesis. Alexandra won X Factor. Waiting. Hope that I have finally found a decent recruiter. Reaffirmation that I can’t keep coming back to Thunder Bay (finding a career in a city without hope, is…hopeless.) And that brings us to today – having gone full circle; a year to the day that the England thing started…still worried about weight…and sure I’ll go to England…why not?
Thursday, 23 October 2008
London Education
Today came and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Or maybe it was. Prior to leaving for the UK, I debated the decision on a daily basis – should I, shouldn’t I? Again, I now find I’m debating myself daily – should I go home or shouldn’t I? And like then, I find I go in spurts throughout the day. At certain times I feel that I can deal with this; being here, continuing to make a go. It can’t be that bad, can it? Then enters that plaguing thought: can I afford to stay? (no) can I picture myself getting up everyday to confront classroom life? (sometimes yes, sometimes no).
After a lengthy meeting with my recruiting agency, I have discovered that I need to tap into my inner b*tch. I have no doubt in my mind that I can do that – I can be that person at the best of times. Heck – London does an excellent job of dragging that aspect of my personality out. When I get cut off the sidewalk now, I resist the temptation to tell the other individual to J off. Another week and I’ll be a full blown nutcase (along with many other dispondent Londoners). Because I am still new to London, I still look at other individuals, and often wonder why so many people look so sad. Even so, with all of the temptation to return home, I find that when I go for a my nightly stroll, I suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to try and make this work. Tonight I walked down to the Parliament buildings/Big Ben and Westminster Abby – and at that moment, I couldn’t help thinking – I have to make this work. And then my stomach started growling, and I can’t help remembering the financial situation I am currently in. Financial implying that I have money, whereas in reality I am so far broke that I don’t know how I will ever surface again. Then I start to think “well I’m this far invested, I need to make a go of it”. And so the arguments continue.
The hardest decision I faced today was the impending flat. I have opted not to rent, and continue to live out of a hotel. In the long run this is more expensive option, but right now, given that I really can’t afford to outfit a flat, the hotel seems like the cheaper option. It also provides me with an easy-out mind game: if things get too difficult, I won’t have to “get out” of having a flat. If I can make a go of teaching in the UK, and if I do opt to take a northern contract (which my agency guaranteed me they were looking for), living out of the hotel is really the best option. As I watch money going down the drain, I will just have to keep reminding myself of that.
Again I am caught in that moment where I need to figure out how to mesh London Leanne with Canada Leanne. I want to hang on to my old life – what happens when it no longer needs me? My friends, mom, dogs – what happens when I’m eliminated from all of that? Maybe that is the hardest part of being here – realizing that my life can go on without me. Part of me has been reluctant to find new friends here, or get involved in new activities. Yet I realize, if ever I want to achieve any of my goals, I need to let it go. Even my agency told me today: “You need to let your Canadian classroom experience go. Forget it. It doesn’t apply here.” And they are right. Shaping a new life isn’t as easy as it seems. UK Leanne needs to let go. I’ve never been good with letting go though.
Now for the bigger pain in my *ss. I spent well over $40,000 to go to school Actually…wait…my mom spent a good chunk of that – OSAP covered the rest (yes, I will pay it back! F*king student loans). My teacher education YEAR (single) was by far the most expensive of those years. Basically, all of those wonderful, idealized classes that I took while in teacher’s education, need to be forgotten. That would be $8, 000 out the window. Does that p*ss me off? Yup, you bet. Unbelievably so. We would joke in the program, that the program was useless. In truth, it really was. Everything you learn about teaching, you learn in the classroom. The curriculum classes deal almost exclusively with the Ontario curriculum. So really, when it comes to teaching in England, teacher’s college really was fairly unnecessary. Bitter, bitter, bitter.
While it might be my personal motto – I just don’t know anymore. Ultimately though, London is about my own education - not the education of the students.
After a lengthy meeting with my recruiting agency, I have discovered that I need to tap into my inner b*tch. I have no doubt in my mind that I can do that – I can be that person at the best of times. Heck – London does an excellent job of dragging that aspect of my personality out. When I get cut off the sidewalk now, I resist the temptation to tell the other individual to J off. Another week and I’ll be a full blown nutcase (along with many other dispondent Londoners). Because I am still new to London, I still look at other individuals, and often wonder why so many people look so sad. Even so, with all of the temptation to return home, I find that when I go for a my nightly stroll, I suddenly feel the overwhelming urge to try and make this work. Tonight I walked down to the Parliament buildings/Big Ben and Westminster Abby – and at that moment, I couldn’t help thinking – I have to make this work. And then my stomach started growling, and I can’t help remembering the financial situation I am currently in. Financial implying that I have money, whereas in reality I am so far broke that I don’t know how I will ever surface again. Then I start to think “well I’m this far invested, I need to make a go of it”. And so the arguments continue.
The hardest decision I faced today was the impending flat. I have opted not to rent, and continue to live out of a hotel. In the long run this is more expensive option, but right now, given that I really can’t afford to outfit a flat, the hotel seems like the cheaper option. It also provides me with an easy-out mind game: if things get too difficult, I won’t have to “get out” of having a flat. If I can make a go of teaching in the UK, and if I do opt to take a northern contract (which my agency guaranteed me they were looking for), living out of the hotel is really the best option. As I watch money going down the drain, I will just have to keep reminding myself of that.
Again I am caught in that moment where I need to figure out how to mesh London Leanne with Canada Leanne. I want to hang on to my old life – what happens when it no longer needs me? My friends, mom, dogs – what happens when I’m eliminated from all of that? Maybe that is the hardest part of being here – realizing that my life can go on without me. Part of me has been reluctant to find new friends here, or get involved in new activities. Yet I realize, if ever I want to achieve any of my goals, I need to let it go. Even my agency told me today: “You need to let your Canadian classroom experience go. Forget it. It doesn’t apply here.” And they are right. Shaping a new life isn’t as easy as it seems. UK Leanne needs to let go. I’ve never been good with letting go though.
Now for the bigger pain in my *ss. I spent well over $40,000 to go to school Actually…wait…my mom spent a good chunk of that – OSAP covered the rest (yes, I will pay it back! F*king student loans). My teacher education YEAR (single) was by far the most expensive of those years. Basically, all of those wonderful, idealized classes that I took while in teacher’s education, need to be forgotten. That would be $8, 000 out the window. Does that p*ss me off? Yup, you bet. Unbelievably so. We would joke in the program, that the program was useless. In truth, it really was. Everything you learn about teaching, you learn in the classroom. The curriculum classes deal almost exclusively with the Ontario curriculum. So really, when it comes to teaching in England, teacher’s college really was fairly unnecessary. Bitter, bitter, bitter.
While it might be my personal motto – I just don’t know anymore. Ultimately though, London is about my own education - not the education of the students.
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