To Lay or Not To Lay in the Same Pile or a Different One

Oops…I fell off the face of the earth – or so it would seem. So…Happy New Year…hope you are enjoying yourself!
So what’s up in the world?? Economic devestation…conflicts…the occasional natural disaster…ya that pretty much sums it up. Apparently 2009 is going to resemble 2008 – seriously; if ever there were a moment to say “same sh*t, different pile”, this would be it...

Where am I? Sipping my Americano at Starbuck, listening to the three guys sitting next to me complain about women and divorces. Thinking about life. Same sh*t, different pile. Or maybe I haven’t even gotten to the different pile yet; I might still be working on the same pile. Lululemon and snow came to Thunder Bay over Christmas. I am tired of both; designer yoga pants and icy flakes aren’t really things that peak my interest. Even so, it doesn't matter where you go in Thunder Bay, you see both in ample quantities. And its when you start to ponder Lululemon and snow that you realize you are stagnating.

Over Christmas I reacquainted myself with complacency. I am so content in my little world of familiarity – it permits me to stagnate and maintain a noncommittal life. I enjoy defying expectations – mainly the expectations of others. Defying expectations is sometimes a good thing (like for the student who is expected to earn a C and defies odds to earn an A); for me, defying expectations means doing the exact opposite of what I have the potential to do. Where I have the potential to scale Everest, I decide to shock everyone and opt to climb Mount McKay (and then give up half way) – by the way, this is a metaphor, and I will likely never actually climb Everest - or Mount McKay. I don’t know where or why I developed this quality – it’s like I woke up one day and realized that I was tired of being predictable, or grew tired of having expectations placed on me. In Banbury a friend of mine said, “L*anne…I expect that you are going to stay in England for a long time.” I heard that…and it kept going over and over in my head. Expectation…oops…can't have that. That same friend predicted that I would stay in London indefinitely.....Somewhere along the way I found safety in failing.

I came back to Thunder Bay with the full intention of going back to London. Then something bizarre happened over Christmas – I lost my desire. I would actually rather stay in Thunder Bay than ever go back. It began to occur to me that I wasn’t sure if I could put myself back through England and the upheaval. Stagnating in my complacency.

A couple of nights ago I downloaded the pilot episode of “Being Erica”, a new television show on the CBC. The main character is 32 years old, educated, and full of potential. She can’t commit to a decent job, future, man, anything…has made a series of bad decisions that have ultimately sealed her fate as a “loser”, defying the expectations of those around her. I could barely watch it – and I’m sure I don’t have to explain why. But in case you aren’t up to speed; I see myself in that character. She is given the opportunity to go back and fix the mistakes she made; I won’t get to that. I did kind of like the idea of listing all of the mistakes she made though…I could do that…where to start….ok that’s a blog entry all unto itself…

So here is where I am (outside of the physical moment). I have been offered a job with a new agency. Yes, the “dream” agency….to go back to London in a little over a week. It comes with the opportunity for housing (less stress!!)…with a more guaranteed work scheme…a six month contract….a six month contract…sh*t…commitment…I don’t do commitment. Oh yes, its inevitable; I have to commit to something; there comes a point in a person’s life that they have to face adulthood and commit to creating a financially secure future. 30 is knocking on my backdoor, and I feel that I might be at the stage where I might actually have to commit to something. I don’t commit though – I’ve been seeing a man for some time now, I don’t know how long exactly, because neither of us commit but neither of us is trying to see someone else. I just don’t commit. To anything. Seeing a contract makes me shudder…having to sign one makes me heave.

There are other issues at play here – I have to go and I hate that. I would love to make this decision free of debt, and already living in a city ripe with jobs. But when there are no other options, and your financial life is suffocating you, it becomes necessary to take the opportunities that are presented to you. And I hate it. Feeling forced to return to London is shattering me. I would love the stress free experience, but it is just not going to be that way. I made my bed, now I must lay in it.

Then you start to go back to all of those decisions that ultimately led you to this moment in your life. And to the moment that you realized you were stagnating in your comfort. And then you suffocate a little more.

I have been told, six months is not that long. And it’s not. Until you face reality and anxiety replaces the old comfort. Each day can become a struggle, and every moment becomes a lifetime. Let’s face it – its not really six months, is it? I’m in debt…there are no jobs here…it’s not just six months. Live one day at a time. That is virtually impossible, when life is looming over you. So what am I saying then? Pretty much that I’m stuck in the same sh*t, different pile. Now if you don’t mind, I must go buy some sheets for my bed; if I have to lay in it, I want 400 thread count percale.

Trucks for Christmas

I'm not really a big fan of Christmas - its pretty commercialized now, and I refuse to feel the stress of the season. Even so, the one thing that I really enjoy going to is the yearly Truck Parade. I had great intentions of taking pictures of it this year. Unfortunately due to the extremely painful cold, and the fact that our truck died (so I couldn't warm up) I was stuck with this picture of McDonalds (ooooooh) taken through the truck window, and a couple blurry shots of trucks. Even so, the parade was awesome!! But cold.

Winter Wonderland...brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Winter has definitely reared its ugly head this year. The temperatures are already far below where I like them (ok, I’ll admit anything under 5 celsius is below what I deem acceptable) and we are definitely having a White Christmas. We have been incredibly spoiled during the past several years; snow has been late in coming, as has the incredibly cold weather – we’ve kind of become desensitized to the realities of living in the north. In the process of being spoiled, I had forgotten just how much I despise the northern winter. I am not a cold weather person. I like snow after it has freshly fallen; when the trees have that beautiful, clean coating, and the world is wonderland. Unfortunately this is short lived, and is generally replaced by brown ugliness. Therefore I could do without snow.
It has also again made me wonder what is worse? A UK winter (dark by 3:30pm, rain, cloudiness, etc) or a Northern Canadian winter (snow, cold, cold, cold). The one advantage to the Canadian winter is that we still receive a fair amount of sun. Thunder Bay also has the great luck of having daylight until 5pm. Hmm…it’s a difficult call. Somehow the answer seems more clearcut when I step out the door and am blasted by cold weather, whereby making it impossible to breath…but still…tough call…

Not a darn thing to do with London

**Over the past ten years I have been moderately political active. Each election, at all levels, I have generally picked a candidate to support, and volunteered for their campaign. Initially a Liberal, I became increasingly disgruntled by the state of our region under Liberal leadership. Typical to political form, the promises were made, but nothing was ever delivered. This election I was unable to participate due to employment with a particular non partisan government body. My employment is over, and my contract is nulled...So for a minute, you will have to deal with it while I hop up on my soap box (That's England talking!!)**

At 4am this morning I received a text message...I was asleep - almost (not sleeping much these days!). Anyway the message announced that the NDP had swept Thunder Bay. I do not want to get into Canadian politicals, but all I can say is "WOOHOO!".
Since 1988, under the leadership of our local Liberal, Thunder Bay has seen a steadily declining population. The reason? Jobs (or lack there of). Poor economy. Collapse of industry. Northern Ontario offers few opportunities to those of us who are young and/or educated. Case in point - I am sitting in London, hoping for work. It's not jus the young and/or educated - its everyone. The result of mass joblessness?? Depression, alcoholism, etc. I am not saying that Thunder Bay is a depressed alcoholic - but there is an alarming sense of disparity within the city. Was it my first choice to leave TBay? No. But you can't pay the bills with air.
You might wonder why I blame our former leader. Well...he did very little to encourage economic growth. Now I know that every Liberal will disagree with me. But seriously - since when are telemarketing businesses, a sign of positive job growth? A university and college sit in our city, graduating some of the most inquiring, motivated minds in Canada -and the result? These individuals are forced to move elsewhere for employment. How many of us have friends and family currently residing in Alberta? Too many.
Industries are collapsing in Northern Ontario. Luckily mining development is well underway, but this will be beneficial only to a small segment of the population.

I have great hope and confidence that the reintroduction of the NDP to Northern Ontario will provide new hope to our region. I do believe that Mr. Hyer (and I'm sure Mr. Rafferty, though I do not know him personally) will work hard for our region, and do everything possible to bring back stability. It won't happen over night - it can't...too much time has been allowed to pass for the changes to be quick - but it has to get better. Both candidates will face scrutiny, and increased judgement from the average individual..strength in the face of adversity.

I am not a political scientist. I am not an economist - just someone discouraged by the state of a struggling city.

**I'll step down off my soapbox now, albeit with a look of relief, and hope for the future :)