Talking Fat 13: Ranting on Eating

During the past two weeks, there has been quite a bit about Kirstie Alley’s recent weight gain. You may remember that she was the face of Jenny Craig, while she struggled to whittle her body back to it’s former glory days. After her success, she was replaced by Valerie Bertinelli, who at 49, has just posed in bikini-perfect body thanks to the Jenny Craig system. Responding to Alley’s weight gain, Bertinelli stated (and this isn’t a direct quote) “I’m only one jalapeno popper away from gaining 80 pounds!” I completely understand it (though for me, it is a pound of chicken wings and mozzarella sticks).

I have never, ever stepped foot into a Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers – while the idea of a support system is kind of cool, I just don’t like having to pay extra to loose weight. I also know that Kirstie Alley is not alone in her weight gain; I have witnessed people struggle though Weight Watchers, only to gain all of the weight back shortly after quitting the program. Truly, there isn’t a 100% guarantee for any method. Part of me would like to believe that the harder you work at loosing the weight, the less likely you will be to allow it to return. That is why I am somewhat adamantly opposed to diet pills and gastric bypass (and yes, you can still get fat after gastric bypass!). Unless you are severely, severely overweight, pills and optional surgery kind of scare the hell out of me.

Unfortunately it doesn’t matter how hard you work at it – once you let up on yourself, or allow yourself to return to former bad habits…well…the weight comes back. Last month I decided that I was hungry. Wait, no…not just hungry…I was CRAVING cr*p. And so I ate it. The result? An almost instantaneous 6 pound weight gain. No time at all. The kicker? It takes no time at all to gain 5, 10, 15 pounds. It takes triple the time to loose it though. So, after two weeks of hard work, and the most boring diet ever, I have taken off about 7 pounds. Awesome! Unfortunately I had to waste time and energy to get back to where I was, so really there has been no progress made in the battle. A never ending cycle right?

Even after all of the work, all of the tears and struggling, I am still powerless against fighting the cravings that got me here in the first place.

And sometimes I would just like to forget; go ahead and buy those cute cake squares that Safeway sells. Or go to our neighbourhood bakery and stock up on pastries and Persians (the real Thunder Bay treat). How about swinging through Tim Horton’s on the way home and grabbing a couple of donuts? I love donuts.

What do I resent? There are people who could do this – just binge on whatever crap is thrust in front of their faces, and walk away none the worse for it. But those people are getting fewer and fewer.

The first time I went to the UK was in 1999. Ten years ago, I was fairly thin, but I felt like a beached whale in England. Everyone was beautiful and waifish (or so I thought). Unfortunately, as the American fast-food diet becomes more appealing in Europe, even Britons are starting to resemble the American physique they like to joke about. Hmmm….

I do partially blame evolution for our bad metabolism – as I have mentioned before, it is very hard to combat an evolutionary history that includes preparation for periods of famine. Our internal mechanisms are still hardwired to hold on to calories – the problem is, we don’t need to hold on to calories in quite the same way that we have throughout history. The fact of the matter is, 200 years ago we didn’t have had the number of people waddling around that we do now. And yes, I do mean waddling. Or jiggling. And yes, my belly still jiggles (but not in that cute Santa Claus way that our culture has learned to adore)

It isn’t just evolution that has screwed us. Nah, our eating habits have definitely helped us. I laugh that McDonald’s does the number of charity days they do – (I am not opposed to charity!) – here is what I think about McDonald’s and their children’s charities: “We’ll help the children, because we are killing yours by encouraging bad eating habits, trans fats, supersized portions, and clogged arteries!”. Now that’s what I call, “giving back”. Before I get hit with a lawsuit from McDonald’s (because I’m sure they care about my blog), I am in complete agreement that they have done beneficial things for children. I am just saying that they have also contributed to an international obesity problem, that continues, and have negatively impacted the diets of the past two generations. Not to mention their contributions to pollution (I’m not sure what their present policies are, but 5 years ago they were still using polystyrene containers in Eastern Europe – long considered passé in North America). I’m not here to discuss the environment though.

It shocks me to see parents allowing their children (toddlers included) to indulge in McDonald’s combo meals (or any other fast food chain) on a regular basis. Oh and the neighbourhood diner, that hasn’t come under international scrutiny and still serves up greasy crap hidden beneath mounds of gravy, extra fatty beef products, etc, etc….why? why? Why? I don’t understand it! Why are parents so eager to ensure clogged arteries in their children?

Ok…scenario…
Let me pass a cigarette to a toddler…
I’ll even teach the toddler how to properly smoke it.
Hell I’ll even buy the kid a pack.

Most parents wouldn’t like this.
Why?
Because smoking kills.
It doesn’t take long to get a smoker’s cough.
There is tangible proof.

And yet, the fact that there are eight year olds wearing adult sized clothing (due to obesity, due to bad eating habits) has no impact.

Smoking can have fairly fast negative consequences. Parents don’t like that. Encouraging poor eating habits; well the reprocussions are a lot slower (even though overweight 20 year olds periodically have hard attacks) and it takes a lot longer to clog an artery. Let the kids eat whatever.

Do you see what I am saying?
Smoking + fast results = bad
Bad eating habits + slow results = ok

So that’s the ranting portion of the blog.

As for my own diet confessions…
I am still trying to be meatless. Over the course of the past two months I have eaten meat twice, and regretted it both times. Again, I do not consider myself a vegetarian – I still believe that humans were meant to eat meat, and that we are evolutionarily hardwired to do so. If I were living in Europe, I likely would start eating meat again, because Europeans do not pump the hormones and chemicals in to their animals that we do in North America. While not eating meat, I am actually consuming more calories as a pseudo-vegetarian than I did as a hardcore omnivore.

Kirstie Alley switched over to vegetarianism and gained weight because she started eating breads. I can empathize because at the end of the day, I would eat an entire loaf of bread. Because I am fairly lazy, I’ve taken to preparing soups (heaven forbid I should actually make the effort to cook a proper meal!). My mishmash soup consists of vegetable broth, a mix of vegetables, fake chicken, canned diced tomatoes, oregano, lemon pepper spice, and diced garlic. It might sound gross, but I’m not really fussy about what I eat and I kind of like it. The switch to soups has also helped me loose that weight I gained a couple of weeks of ago (though I’m fairly positive that the caramel frapaccino that I’m presently drinking, is not a step in the right direction).

My time is up, and my interest has waned (I’m sure yours has too).


Link to Kirstie Alley
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20276768,00.html

Talking Fat #9: The Meltdown

Two weekends ago I experienced a major food meltdown. I’m having a bit of trouble coming out of that meltdown. I love unhealthy food! I want Chinese food, curry, chocolate, icing – everything! For the ultimate flavour experience, most restaurants do not prepare ethnic food with “health” in mind. Let’s face it – fatty foods really do taste better. Yes, Chinese and East Indian foods could be prepared fairly healthy – but they aren’t – because it doesn’t taste as good!
Since returning from Vancouver I have been struggling to get my eating habits back in check. Sure, I feel much better when I eat right, and the benefits should be clear. I am also struggling to work out – again, I feel better when I work out. When I am on a regular exercise regime, I rarely get sick, my joints feel good, I have energy – sometimes too much. I hate spending time working out. Unfortunately I am starting to remember how easy it is to gain weight. No, correction – I’m remembering how easy it is for ME to gain weight. Sniff a piece of chocolate cake, and bang! There are 5 pounds on the waist.
The problem with my eating, is that I’m an emotional eater. The more stressed out I am, the more I will devour. Short of becoming a trash compacter, I have an appetite like no other. Now, combine my love for food with the fact I haven’t been eating what I want for the past 15 months, with the fact that I am stressed out…oh food meltdown, here I come! When I emotional eat, I have no off switch- there is no point at which I am full. The other night I devoured my dinner, literally by sucking it up. One of my girlfriends looked at me with some shock – and then showed more shock, when she realized I wasn’t full! As it turns out, moderately-less-fat-Leanne can actually eat more than Obese Leanne could. Really! After loosing over 100 pounds, I have an appetite that rivals my former self. Luckily there are few people who I actually allow to witness my true appetite.
Oh yes, I could eat – “eat healthy” is what I will be told. But it is not the healthy stuff that I want. It’s the empty calories, dripping with sweetness, that I so desire.
Ok now granted, I keep a good enough work out regime that I have a higher metabolism than I once had – but trust me, even with working out, I will never burn off the calories that I want to consume.

So, how will I deal with this food crisis? New tactics! New psychological conditioning! New strategies!

Tactic #1: Meal Planning
I’ve never really been into planning my meals. When I wake up in the morning, I grab whatever is in the freezer to defrost, and I work around that. This tactic involves me actually planning out my meals for the 5-7 days. Tonight we are eating turkey stew and salad. Sunday we are at an event, so I will try to maintain a careful distance from the deep fryers. Monday will be rosemary grilled pork chops, steamed vegetables, and salad. Tuesday’s menu calls for turkey tacos, seasoned potatoes (zero trans fat), and salad. Wednesday will be the boringly grilled chicken breast, fresh veggies, and maybe something with rice.

Two things – I’m trying to branch out the food options. For the majority of the past year, I have stuck mainly to grilled chicken breasts, broccoli, salad, and beans. It gets boring! Sometimes I would spice up the chicken breasts with Mrs. Dash. It doesn’t matter how you cover it, it is still a stinky grilled chicken breast. The other thing: I’m actually in the process of limiting my available meat options; a book that I recently read has pushed me towards cutting red and processed meats (including lunch meats, sausage, etc) out of my diet. Just because I love food, doesn’t mean I want my body to be a wasteland.

Tactic #2: Psychological Conditioning
This has more to do with working out. As I am returning to London at the end of the month, I have decided to increase my work out haul. The psychological factor is convincing myself (through every miserable step) is that it is “only for 2 weeks”, “only for 2 weeks”, “only for 2 weeks”.

Odds & Ends
I am presently reading the book “The Complete Master Cleanse”; you may know it by its more common name – The Lemonade Diet. My friend was talking about this great cleanse that cleaned out the colon, and removed years of debris from your system. I am sceptical, and think it is a bunch of hooey. At one point the author praises the cleanse for removing parasites and bacteria from the digestive system. Newsflash! We need those parasites!
Because I really have nothing to do, I might try this lemonade diet. I realize that any weight loss generated on such a diet is entirely superficial and the weight gain will be almost instantaneous once the diet is over. I just want to prove it is hooey.

The same friend is also interested in the Martha’s Vineyard Diet. You can loose 20 pounds in 20 days. I think this is hooey too. I feel that both of these diets, and any other fad diet, banks on the fact that you weren’t previously dieting when you started. Any time you “start” a diet from scratch, you will loose a fairly substantial amount of weight in the early stages; don’t credit the fad diet – credit your body.

This whole lifestyle-change-thing, has actually diversified my palate. A year ago I would never have eaten calamari – I ate it a week ago, and really enjoyed it. You reach a point that it really doesn’t matter what you eat, as long as you eat.

I’m keeping my breakfasts as 1 cup of Special K (various flavours) with a small amount of skim milk, 100 g of yogurt, 1 slice of toast or fruit, and coffee. I’m trying to eat lunch – lately it has been Knorr Coloured soups (green or red), and maybe toast. I need to get away from products with yeast – I could live on bread, and it’s really not that good for you.

Lastly, I just need to say that I am going crazy this spring. Peasants tops (or whatever they are called now) are the in-thing in all of the stores (at least in North America, and I’m hoping in London too!). A year ago I couldn’t fit the clothes in the majority of clothing stores. I love the Bohemian look, and I love peasant tops, and I fit clothes this spring – every time I walk past Costa Blanca, Old Navy, or whichever other store, I actually drool! Finally I fit, and I have no money!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I found a store in Edmonton that I am in LOVE with – XXI (Forever 21) – and can be relieved we don’t have one in Thunder Bay. I am in clothing angst!

Talking Fat #7: Part 2

Admittedly, some days I hate this. The past couple of weeks have been really hard again. I am an emotional eater – the more stressed I am, the more sugar I like. And the past few weeks have been stressful…Plus the inundation of Valentine’s Day chocolate has been difficult to ignore. Needless to say I have been calorie splurging for the past couple of days – ok, for the majority of the past week. And as it turns out, the “weight maintenance” porridge/oatmeal I have been eating, isn’t the healthiest of options. So yes, the scale has gone up a couple of pounds, and I am not pleased, but I'm not overly worried.

I have consistently had weight declines (minus the normal fluctuations that a woman experiences at certain times of the month), so having an increase is a bit disheartening. I had basically stopped calorie splurging because of that nagging mentality “every day that I take off, is two extra days tacked on”. Doesn’t it suck that calories are so easy to accumulate, but take double the effort to burn? Unfortunately, there comes a point that your body needs a break from the hardcore diet insanity.

Even with the gain, I do recognize the necessity that I am coming to a point that I need to stop obsessing. My body is kind of telling me to f*ck off (ya, I said it), and there is a point that you need to let it adjust.

Now for the educational portion of this drivel. The one thing that drives me crazy is seeing the number of people who have become dependent on places like McDonald’s, Wendy’s, etc. While a lot of fast food places claim to have become “healthy”, people really need to take a closer look at the caloric intakes of their favourite items. A lot of those meal combos contain the majority of calories that a person should consume for a day - in a single meal! The reality is, most individuals have a combo for lunch and then a full dinner; meaning they have exceeded their daily caloric necessities. Combine fast food with our sedentary lifestyles, and you can begin to understand why so many North Americans and Europeans are heading towards obesity.

I have worked in a school since 1999. In that time, I have been shocked by what I have seen students consuming as apart of their daily meals. It is now common to see kids eating a fast food over the lunch hour. Then combine this with chocolate, candy, icing, etc and the perception of a well-rounded lunch is achieved. I am actually a huge advocate for banning junk food in schools, and was quite in favour of banning items like Mr. Noodles. To read more about schools that have successfully banned bad foods, click on the following link http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/12/11/sugar.free.school/index.html.

My present gripe is with Starbucks. I was fairly shocked by the calorie content of a lot of the food items at Starbucks. My favourite item is the ginger molasses cookie; it tips the scale with 400 calories. My favourite beverage is a strawberries and crème blended cream – with whip it is a mere 500 calories. Combined, these two items though a tasty treat, are about half of my daily caloric intake!! And these two items certainly don’t fill me up for any length of time. I also like the blueberry muffins – they are only 450 calories…ha! Luckily my Café Americano is only around 20 calories. It has to balance somewhere...

So my advice to anyone who is dieting, is to go online and do a nutritional check. Some times it is difficult to find out caloric values (for instance, Starbucks is a pain in the butt; they leave it to their individual stores to post nutritional data for food – which means it doesn’t get done; I have had to use Google to find out the truth!). Again, I recommend fitday.com to find out caloric values.

One way to tell whether the food you are consuming is good or not is based on the consistency of your excrement (poop, crap, etc). Yup. That’s right. Unless you have other health issues that impact your bowels, your poop is a good indicator of your diet. As I am not into the habit of discussing poop, you can Google it (though I’ve never tried). Or you can try a simple experiment – tomorrow, eat a ton of junk…see what happens the next morning. The following couple of days, eat healthy – and notice the difference. I took a Medical Anthropology course a few years ago; we discussed the consistency of poop – highly entertaining.

Anyways, if you don’t mind, I am going to finish chugging my double chocolately chip blended cream, eat my ginger molasses cookie, and wallow in my guilt.

Talking Fat 4: Food Part 2

I am going to breakdown my intake based on what I eat now – though it hasn’t changed much from the beginning, except that I am up to about 1500 calories a day.

Breakfast:
1 yogurt (either the small cup of Yoplait, Danon, etc – 35-40 calories)
½ banana
Either a slice of whole wheat toast with peanut butter, or a cup of Special K cereal with a small amount of skim milk

Lunch:
This is fairly dubious. Sometimes I will eat a cup of soup (low sodium), sometimes its coffee & a muffin at Tim Horton’s. Sometimes it’s the other ½ of the banana. Other times it’s another slice of toast with peanut butter. And sometimes I don’t quite get there.

Dinner:
Salad – sometimes I garnish it with a small quantity of cheese; sprayed with salad spritzers (15 calories per 10 sprays!)
1 boneless/skinless chicken breast grilled (seasoned with either Mrs. Dash, bruschetta sauce, or whatever else I’m feeling)
Broccoli…lots and lots of broccoli (sometimes served with cheese)
Usually another vegetable (beans, corn, whatever)
I will also grill a pork chop periodically, but generally chicken is the food of choice.

Snacks:
Rule of thumb for snacking: cut it out at least 4 hours prior to bedtime or your body won’t have time to process the calories. Wasted energy.
These are the snacks that I regularly indulge in:
- coffee & muffin at Tim Horton’s – seems unhealthy but you have to select the “right” muffin; there is a lowfat blueberry muffin, and a wholegrain raspberry muffin. If I have eaten either of these, I adjust my caloric intake accordingly.
- Fruit: following my workout, I will often have a piece of fruit (generally apples or oranges). Remember though – fruits are high in sugars, and even though they are good sugars, they are still sugars.

Other Tidbits:
Because I am a snacker I have gotten into the habit of carrying candy – you have to be careful because candy can be detrimental – I choose sugar free werther’s, baskin robbins candies, etc. It gives me the illusion that I am eating a tasty and unhealthy treat. Ya. it’s about the mind games.

Water – often times you are hungry because you are thirsty. Drink lots of water.

Don’t buy it – the simplest lesson I learned: if you don’t buy it, you won’t have it to eat. Once I stopped buying cookies, chips, donuts etc, I couldn’t eat them!! So simple.

Don’t eat out every day…or even on a regular basis. Sheesh.

Oh and actually read the label on the foods you eat – look to see if there are trans fats, what the caloric breakdown is, etc. And cut out the frozen dinners. I don’t care how lean cuisinish it is…learn to cook for yourself.

Eating healthy is huge commitment. Initially I allowed myself a weekly splurge – on that day I ate everything “bad” that I could possible find. After a few weeks of doing this, I realized that it wasn’t worth it. I felt sick afterwards; and then I realized that for every day I splurged, I was adding on one or two days to this whole ordeal. Sure I have times that I don’t eat healthy – I go out to dinner with friends, there are the big holiday meals, etc. I think what you actually have to realize is that you must accommodate your splurges. I try to be careful – if I am going to have a calorie splurge, I try to compensate by either making sure I do my work out, or I forgo my coffee and a muffin, or do something to try and offset the impact.

Here is the other big thing – I try and stay away from grains, dairy, and starches (which I absolutely love!). I miss pasta, and alfredo sauces but in order to be successful it is just best that I don’t eat them. You need to realize what works for you.

After being on this “diet” for over a year, I do allow myself to eat some items that weren’t originally on my list. I will periodically indulge on chocolate – but I still need to leave it with my mom because I apparently lack self control! Once or twice a week I go to Starbucks and have their molasses cookie (mmmmmm) and a tall strawberries & cream with no whip – on those days, I adjust calories.

Oh…and green tea. I drink a ton of tea…copious amounts. You may hear that green tea is the “secret” to weight loss. I don’t really buy it – you need to drink A LOT of green tea to be able to boost your metabolism – but it is a zero calorie alternative to straight water, so I drink it.

Ultimately though, it is about finding out what works for you, and developing your own tricks and mind games. And about making healthy decisions. These are not short term changes and they aren’t applicable just for the duration of the so-called diet. When you make the decision to change your eating habits, you must maintain those changes. You can’t just eat healthy for a year and revert back to old habits. It’s hard, but it is worth it. I think anyway!

Talking Fat #3: Food for Thought (PT 1)

Food…mmmmmm. Food has been my longest and most consistent relationship. There is nothing wrong with food – unfortunately there is a difference between eating “good” food and eating empty calories that just fill you up for the short term, but ultimately lead to binge eating.

Ok, so when I started this, I was clueless how to eat. Actually, I still am – I’m just not as clueless as I was then. Make sense?

Alright, so anyway – when I got fully underway, sometime in late November 2007, I decided initially to begin by eating 1000 calories a day. Ya. That’s not so smart.

Let me clear up a big fallacy about calorie cutting. First off- one pound is equal to 3000 calories. So let’s pretend that you do absolutely nothing one day – you don’t breathe, move, your body doesn’t do anything on the cellular level, and you use 0 calories – but you somehow consume 3000 calories. You have just consumed a ton more calories than your body needed – and you gain a pound because you are doing to burn those calories up Now this is a virtually impossible scenario, because you always burn calories, even while asleep.

Same deal – now let’s pretend that you eat one thousand calories, but expend 3000. Well, simple math: you have a 2000 calorie deficit. Tomorrow you eat another 1000 calories, and expend 2000 calories – you have another 1000 calorie deficit. A pound is lost over the course of 2 days.

These are very simplified scenarios, and it is nowhere close to being so cut and dry, but it is an illustration of how all of this works.

I have read a lot of different theories on weight loss - some people say that 1 pound a week is alright – some say 2. I hold true to the belief that your body will tell you if you are being an idiot.

During the first couple of weeks that you diet, you will loose a fair amount of weight – the beginning is really easy – sometimes deceptively so. You will find yourself in the this amazing euphoria, which can make it really difficult further down the road, when your weight appears to be stuck. I will discuss the middle, during another blog entry.

Now here is the problem with purposely trying to create a substantial caloric deficit: starvation. Your body eventually has a couple of different responses. It will either enter starvation mode, which means that it will hold on to every single calorie possible – which can ultimately lead to weight gain. Another response is muscle eating – you might loose weight, but that weight is coming from the muscle that your body can’t support – not really a good thing. Another potential risk of substantial calorie shortages (and associated weight loss) is rapid weight gain – you know the people who have lost copious amounts of weight, and then suddenly gain it all back (almost overnight) with an additional 50 pounds? Ya. This is partly why.

But you still do need to have a calorie deficit to loose weight – just not a substantial one. What you need to do is work out your BMI and what it would take to maintain your weight at your given height. So if you are 5’4 and weigh 120 pounds it will take far fewer calories to maintain yourself (depending on activity level) than it will take someone who is 5’4 and 280 pounds.

Alright so I started by severely cutting my caloric intake. And to be honest, it wasn’t that bad (but again, you shouldn’t do it). In order to keep track of my intake and output, I registered on http://www.fitday.com/; a site that does all of the calculating for you!! Nice deal.

K..I'm leaving it there for now...talk soon ;-P

Talking Fat Part 1

**This will be the first in a series of entries of highlighting weight. There is just too much to say in one entry!

Recently I stumbled across the blog of a 22 year old, who is striving to loose weight. Topping the scales at about 315 pounds, she has realized that she needs to change her life. I will admit that I respect her ability to make her struggle public, and appreciate that she has been brave enough to post pictures showing her pre-diet physique. I haven’t spent a lot of time looking over weight loss blogs; mainly because I didn’t realize that so many people chronicled their lives in this online community. Several months ago I found a blog entitled “I have bones!!” also highlighting the challenges faced by one dieter. I kind of laugh at the title, because I can empathize with it – seeing my clavicles, and being able to feel the bones in my hands and feet, after all these yeas, is somewhat of a novelty. Plus I specialized in bones…so you know…

It is ironic that I should be sitting next to my workout class instructor while I’m writing this blog (a bit of guilt materializes as I have not been present in her class for the past two weeks).

I’ve briefly mentioned by weight struggles in this blog, but have never really touched the heart and soul of the battle. Over the course of the past several months I have had numerous people stop and ask me what sort of diet I have been on – the truth is, I am not on a diet. It is not about South Beach, Atkins, Mayo Clinic, Weight Watchers, or the sundry of other fad diets that exist in this world. No, if you are substantially overweight, it is not about “dieting”. It is about changing your lifestyle. When I started this challenge, I was substantially over weight…errr…ok…I was obese.

How did I get there?

I would love to say that it was a genetic predisposition to obesity. But it’s not, and I am not entirely certain that I believe in that mentality. My parents were both overweight, but they were far from stellar examples of proper eating habits. So no, I can’t say that I have a genetic predisposition to obesity. While I have Italian and Polish ancestry (*insert ethnic jokes here*), and while the general stereotype of both cultures includes a tendency towards plumpness, I don’t use that as my excuse. Furthermore, both cultures include a heavy reliance on foods laden with starches and carbohydrates. That could potentially explain the plumpness exhibited in both. No, I can’t believe that I was genetically predisposed.

I know the evolutionary excuse for obesity: throughout human history there has been a tendency towards periods of famine. Over time, the human body adapted itself to these periods by evolving a mechanism to ensure that calories were stored for later utilization. In modern times, and in the Western World, we do not go through those periods, but are still inclined to eat like there is a possibility that famine could occur. Hence we are obese. Or something like that. No. I don’t believe that I my fat was the product of evolution, or that I am some ultra-adapted human form (and for the sake of humanity, let’s pray that I am not natural selection’s answer to evolution!)

No, I got to the point of obesity through hard work and determination. I started university in a fairly good place, health and weight-wise. I was religious about working out, and was desperate to be that thin, pretty blond in class. And then exams happened. And then I started to loath working out – if I missed a day I beat myself up incessantly (working out can be a detrimental obsession). My ex boyfriend spent a week long vacation at my house – after he left I weighed myself, and was shocked to see that in the course of 6 weeks I had gained about 20 pounds. How did that happen????? That was 1999 and it would be 9.5 years before I would step onto another scale.

I was very careful about not acknowledging my weight gain. I have done a fair bit of travelling and would decline having my pictures taken at all expense. If I couldn’t see it, it wasn’t real. I wouldn’t go to the doctor – because doctors like to weigh their patients. Gradually over time more weight packed on. It is actually quite amazing how quickly it can happen. It took no time at all to go from a size 13 to a size 26 (yep, that’s where I peaked!). Oh it helped that I had a love for beer (and copious quantities of it), junk food, pop, and foods saturated in fats, butters, etc. I loved bread. Adored donuts. There was no cut off point either. During times of stress or uncertainty I ate. It also helped that I lived in a city that seemed to pride itself in unhealthy lifestyles. Sorry Thunder Bay, but we are fat, and alarmingly so.

Now – how could I let my body get so out of control?? Did I not notice what was happening? I think the benchmark of being obese is being able to look in the mirror and not see it. Even when photos were accidently taken of me, there was no actual registering of the problem. Plus there was the other factor: I was active. Considering I was fat, I never truly felt fat. I didn’t have the back aches, ill health, diabetes, etc. I participated in dog training. I hiked, backpacked, lifted weights, etc. I remember hiking up hill in the 100 degree heat in Guatemala with a pack strapped to my back, and being able to do it without backing down. People tell me I must feel so much better now – but the truth is, I never felt bad.

Ok so if I didn’t notice, what actually happened? I would love to say there was a warning sign that initiated the change. There wasn’t. Here is the truth – it was strictly society and vanity. First off, I started to find fatist groups on Facebook. What is a fatist? A person who hates fat people – fairly straight forward right? The Brits actually host a surprising number of these groups. Then there was the fact I had a crush on a guy who I knew would never like me if I was the size of a house (which is the absolute wrong reason to loose weight!). Let me just clear something up right now: if a guy (or a girl) couldn’t feel for you before you lost the weight, they aren’t worth your time once you have. Then there was Valerie Bertinelli (oh yes)…her comment about starting a New Year without having to worry about her weight was definitely an inspiration. Ok, and then there was the idea of turning 30 and not wanting to spend another decade trapped by my weight. And the idea of wanting to travel and not having to be stared at by cultures who are stunned by “giant North Americans”. All of these things were swirling in my head…

And then came the straw that broke the camels back…


The picture…
The one that got through….

My friends and I met at Kelsey’s one afternoon in late 2007. One of my friends was expecting a baby (rather soon), and we were celebrating the impending birth. A photo was snapped of the three of us together and there it was…I was bigger than my pregnant friend. Huh…who knew???

I enjoy talking on chat programs like MSN, Skype etc – but generally declined to share my picture. It was so much effort to snap a picture that hid the evidence of my fat. If you have been down this road, you will know – angling your head to disguise the double chin, lengthening the neck…and if all else fails – lean back and hold the camera above your head and let your fat droop back.

But there was the picture that didn’t hide it.

So with all of these things circling in my head, and the picture to top it off, I knew it was time to change. And that’s where I’ll leave it for today….