Moments of Reflection

Since self reflection seems to be a popular theme in blogs, I figured I would join the crowd.

I wish….

…I had left home at 18 …
…I had gone to Western…
…I had gone to Jordan and done my field training…
…I had never opened the email from a recruiter in London; it would have saved me so much stress…
…I had never gone to teacher’s college; that would have also saved me a ton of stress…
…I had gone to do my Master’s degree when I had the chance…
…I hadn’t fallen for a man across the ocean…
…I had not spent so much money on needless pursuits…
…that I had lost the weight 5 years ago instead of now…
…that I hadn’t gotten dogs; too much attachment makes it difficult to leave…
…that I wasn’t sitting across from someone who’s belly is hanging out of her skin tight hoodie…
…that I was better with commitment, and would commit to something…
…that I hadn’t lost my motivation and began to stagnate…
…that I had never started working on a thesis; it will forever bother me that it isn’t finished, and yet I will likely never complete it…
…that I hadn’t grown up in Thunder Bay, Ontario…
…that I had the motivation to go and get a trade, and fully accept that my education is useless…
…that I was more outgoing and less of a home body…
…that I had done an international exchange program in university; I desperately want my international experience…
…that I had done language training; I love to learn and should have embraced it…
…that I wasn’t scared to do what it is that I want to do…
…that I had learned to look at things from the one-day-at-a-time perspective, not on year long scales…
…that I didn’t get attached; once I get attached I can’t handle the finality of becoming unattached; maybe that’s the product of loss…
…there wasn’t a recession; that millions of people weren’t out of work; that there were clear cut directions, and that someone had all of the answers…


What if I hadn’t done of these things that I guess I regret?
- I’d never have met many of the people I now know; maybe I would have met other people, but who knows…
- Had I gone to Western, I would never have gone to half of the places I’ve been; I’d never have backpacked and found out I love it; I’d never have been to Newfoundland, spent drunken Spring Breaks in Cancun, and likely never acquired a taste for tequila…
- I wouldn’t have half of the stories that I have; it’s been a bumpy ride, but it’s been an entertaining ride…
- I’d never of had my New Orleans experience; it was good, it was bad, but it was growth…
- I wouldn’t be sitting here right now, watching a junkie with slush stained pants, search for her next caffeine hit…
- I’d never have learned to put emphasis on internal beauty rather than physical beauty; when you are fat you learn not to judge…

Not everyone can claim they had the option to take two very distinct paths. Almost eleven years ago, I was presented with the two paths – Western or Lakehead.

Had I gone to Western, things would be very different now. I would not have had half of the experiences I’ve had. I would have had other experiences…

Had I gone to Western, money would have been far too tight to travel, and I would never have learned life experiences – everything would have been confined to a book. I don’t believe that book knowledge is essential – life knowledge is far more important. That is also why I do not put much emphasis on academic education.

Had I gone to Western, I likely would never have majored in Anthropology, and never realized how much I love culture – maybe I would have, but it is doubtful.

Had I gone to Western, I would have realized how much is actually out there, in terms of career options and life opportunities; I may have learned how to pursue those options; the problem with Lakehead is being mainstreamed into very narrow topics

Had I gone to Western I would have learned to live on my own; that’s the big one; I wouldn’t be struggling at 28 to leave this city; it has become me. I will never reach my potential in this city, but it is now home. I am becoming far too ‘alright’ with never reaching my potential. I am becoming what I used to loath; or maybe I’m becoming an adult.

Can I regret never having gone to Western? Yes, on the surface I do because I would have learned how to be Leanne.

What about teacher’s college? What if I had never gone? That would have solved so many issues right now – I would never have tried to get a visa to go the UK, I would never have allowed myself to feel for someone, never have allowed myself to form some sort of attachment – oh and debt – I wouldn’t be nearly in the debt that I am now…

My thesis – I am coming to terms with the fact that I will likely never finish it. I hate my thesis but simply because of the sheer boredom that it produces, and the lack of direction that I have. Yet, I know that it will always drive me crazy that I am not finished it so eventually I will likely drive myself to complete it.

England is like my thesis. I could easily not go back to England, and give up teaching altogether. But in the back of my mind it will drive me crazy that I never finished the experience. My mind tells me to give it up; my heart isn’t ready.

England doesn’t have to be indefinite; neither does teaching…

Then there is that moment that loneliness creeps in, and the world ends….and that moment seems to take forever…

And then I wish I could see life one day at a time…

Don’t regret what you did do, only what you didn’t do…
Unfortunately what you didn’t do is so closely intertwined with what you did do. Somewhere along the way, you have to regret both…

Every day is spent in regret, contemplating what I should do – so much time goes to this that nothing is done…

I have read on numerous occasions that you do not truly understand yourself until you are about 26 (that’s also why people shouldn’t get married before 26). Apparently I’m behind…

I wish that life was somehow easier; but don’t we all?

London Sooner or Later

Ok. So first off – I have been answering the same questions on a regular basis. Not surprisingly they all correspond to London. So let me settle the score. I will be returning to London – likely soon.
Two weeks ago I was supposed to fly back overseas. The night before my departure, feeling an overwhelming amount of anxiety, I decided to miss my flight. One more donation to Air Canada. Lovely. Unfortunately, I keep recalling the anxiety I felt during the last go, and am now psyching myself out for my return. It’s like that horrible memory that just keeps rearing it’s ugly head – I’m sure this time will be completely different, but what if it isn’t? After a long conversation with my new recruiter, it was mutually decided that I should take more time to figure this whole situation out. It was a good decision – returning to London under those circumstances, with the amount of doubt that I was feeling, would have ultimately broken me.
So two weeks later, I am starting to dread the return (again). I don’t want to go back – to teaching. London, yes. Teaching in London – no. Unfortunately there is a recession, which means a lack of jobs. So that puts me back at square one. A recession sort of seals my fate – I have to go back and teach. Lovely.
That doesn’t mean that it is the end of the road though. I’ve applied to two separate university programs – one in international relations & development and one in international human resources. Ultimately I can’t go to school without the income that teaching provides. It is an evil reality. My other new found reality is that I need to learn – I might be addicted to education. After visiting the Athabasca University website nearly daily for the past month, I have decided to avoid registering for a needless course and actually apply my interest (and money) towards attaining a new credential (that will likely not put my any closer to a job, but like I said, I need to learn). Maybe having something to exercise my mind will also help me to stay in London. Or maybe I’m delusional. That’s more likely the real answer.
Most people would *smartly* give up by this point. There is something that keeps drawing me back to London. I am not finished with the experience, and I haven’t ended it on my own terms yet. I see the benefits of having an international experience, in terms of both professional and personal growth. Plus I want to go to Morocco, Malta, Tunisia, etc, etc, etc, and the best way to do that is to work in London. Travelling Leanne always wins.

Lessons to London

Two weeks back in the Bay, and as far out in left field as ever. I don’t know if it is to my advantage that I still feel displaced. Usually, when you return from a vacation, or time abroad, it takes you a couple of days to get back into your schedule. Yes, you pine for the experience, but life goes on again. It is inevitable.

My life isn’t going on….

Maybe it was because I was not vacationing; maybe it was because I went with the intent to stay, but I am not readjusting to my life. I am in limbo, and am moderately displaced. London was my independence, my career, and my ambition. Home is my safety net, in which I can hide from all challenges. This time though, the challenge is in being home. Honestly, I am OK with the displacement at the moment – that is what keeps me motivated to return. I am continually asked- why not teach in Thunder Bay? Ontario? Canada? Closer to home? etc etc etc. That is where people miss the point. If I am going to teach, I want the full experience. I want to live on my own, in a place completely separated from Thunder Bay, have the career, and the independence. God, I want my independence. I want to say that I can cope with change, experience what most people only dream of, and be the person that I thought I was.

I am still kicking myself for coming back here. I made the mistake of letting my emotions govern my head, in a moment of weakness. I should have just gone out and signed with another agency. But then, there was that substantial financial risk – I could still be sitting in London with moderate amounts of work. And stressing about it; so much stress! Instead, I disrupted my transition by returning here, which in retrospect I should not have done. Why? Because when I go back, I will have to start from emotional scratch again – right?

The past year has posed many challenges, and yet I am not sure I am any further ahead. Maybe in personal growth (if you want to look at it from a teacher’s perspective!! HA HA HA). It has been a year since I decided to loose my university weight. I still have a bit to go, but that has been moderately successful, yet an emotional rollercoaster ride. I can’t say that I’ve particularly enjoyed it (but that is a whole separate blog entry!). Then there was Banbury. Oh Banbury….what can be said about that? I wasn’t ready for Banbury – I made so many mistakes in deciding to go. Aside from taking a terrible contract, I emotionally wasn’t ready. So disassociated from my decision was I, that I rushed into a decision with no prior knowledge. Is that not the basis of teaching? Prior knowledge, scaffolding, etc. I know the buzz terms and yet, I do not live by them. So what brought me to Banbury – the realization that I was suddenly hitting an age in which I am supposed to have answers. Suddenly I needed to have my career, be moved out of my family home, have a direction, and have the future all figured out. Leap first…

I was far from ready for Banbury though. I was so scared about weight (sad, but true), money, my career decision, etc. Add all of the apprehension and uncertainty and Banbury was on route for a cataclysmic crash. Under the right circumstances (or mentality) I could have made the bad contract work out. I tried to change my life overnight (and still remain emotionally detached from it) and that does not happen.

And so back to Thunder Bay I went. And I was OK when I got here. I expected to have a crash when I returned, but I did not. I went on living, although still detached from my life. I did not really think too much about Banbury, and yet debated myself on a daily basis. And over time, as I numbed Banbury, I realized that I wanted to return to England and try again. Wait…no…it wasn’t nearly so romantic as it sounds. One day I woke up and realized that I needed to either sh*t or get off the pot (that is the expression, after all) and decided to stop debating myself, and go back to England. I wasn’t disassociated from this decision; I had every emotion possible.

And then came London. Moving is always a difficult task; for some reason it is harder when there is an ocean between you and home. That “home will always be there” mentality doesn’t really help. No matter how you try to convince yourself that “home is merely a plane ride away”, it is still an incredibly lonely experience. You have two options – either let that loneliness consume you, or force yourself to integrate with society. I let my loneliness consume me – initially. Sometimes you forget about that lag-time – you know what I mean; the time between continual upheaval and settling. Moving to London was a huge upheaval, and settling seemed like a distant illusion. Then arises the larger problem (and I did discuss this while in London) – integrating your home life with your present life. Two lives? No I’m not crazy (much).

When you try to establish a new life, completely separated from your familiarity, you begin to see your old life slipping away. You start to worry about your old life forgetting you. I had this plan that I could lessen the blow by staying well connected to home (technology, you see!). I don’t think that is a good solution though – by staying in constant contact with home you actually impede yourself from adapting to your new environment. Or integrating yourself with it. You begin to realize how far removed you are. It becomes harder to function, and eventually it gets harder to breathe. The only answer to all of this? Establish a happy median, in which you stay connected, but gradually lessen the connection.

I have been fortunate; I have had people who have come with me on this bumpy ride. Through the weight loss, Banbury, London, the Thunder Bay Fallout (that’s what we shall call it from here on). My Mom mainly, a couple of friends who have heard me ponder, breakdown, rise up, break back down, and remained fairly tolerant of my indecisiveness. I have made no secret of my commitment issues, but there comes a point that you have to commit to something. It is the same point at which you also realize that you need to move on with your life. So back to the original point of this entry – why am I not teaching closer to home? Because I want to experience life, and it is time for me to leave the safety net and establish my own independence. It is easier said than done, right? I just hope that as long as I maintain this displacement, I will continue with my desire to return.