Three days ago my boyfriend excitedly pointed out…
“Wow…you’ve been here for a month!”
Hmmm….yes…yes, I have…
Unfortunately my boyfriend did not know me during my London/Banbury/New Orleans days. Actually – this might be for the best. My New Orleans days occurred at the height of my travel itch – I couldn’t sit still to save my life, and my life revolved around my backpack and credit card. Apparently London/Banbury occurred at the end of the jitter, because for as much as I still want to travel, I started to crave stability more than anything else (whatta mistake!).
FYI - Never, under any circumstances, should you tell your present boyfriend:
"All of my other boyfriends lived in way more exotic places than you do..." It might be true, but it doesn't go over so well (especially when your present love interest hasn't traveled).
The point though – my boyfriend never learned that there are certain things that shouldn’t be pointed out. The fact that I have been here a month is one of those things.
Here’s why…
He said: “Wow…you’ve been here a month!”
I heard:
….a collision, of sorts….
….the world grinding to a halt….
….the walls closing in….
….panic, woah…realization…flooding thoughts….I’m living with my boyfriend (I hate commitment)…I miss stability…I miss my dogs…I miss my home…I miss a clear sky (no smog)….work…need work….where is there work?...money…need money….ESCAPE…
But yes. I’ve been here a month.
It’s not London. It's not New Orleans. It’s far from exciting. I could spend all day staring at a wall, and not feel any the worse for it (because really, I’m not missing anything). I shouldn’t compare it to London – or anywhere else I’ve been…but it ain’t no Istanbul either. Or St. Petersburg. Or Panajachel. Or Mitchell, South Dakota (now that’s bad).
Maybe this experience is making me start to crave what I thought I gave up (and no, not just cigarettes).
Sure, I’m periodically mystified by things in this town.
For instance: walking outdoors, you know it is sunny, even though you can’t actually see the sun…or the sky…
And here, they drive like they are in Toronto but live like they are in the Ozarks (hate me for saying it, but it’s true).
But I’m also mystified as to why Timbaland degraded himself by collaborating by Miley Cyrus (c’mon now!)
Ya. So I’ve here for a month…
Showing posts with label living. Show all posts
Showing posts with label living. Show all posts
Friday, 12 March 2010
Thursday, 13 November 2008
On Figuring and Finding
Since I arrived in London, I have made an almost-daily pilgrimage to a Starbucks near Victoria Station. It is at Starbucks that I generally work on my blog entries, surf the internet and indulge in my coffee addiction. It has also been at Starbucks that I have pondered by predicaments and future. In that time, I have seen the same man, who apparently does the same thing that I do. Except that he is doing formal work, and I’m just d*cking around. Tonight, after nearly 6 weeks, he finally smiled at me – one of those knowing smiles of mutual understanding. We both come here for the same reason – there are people here, and it fills the void of loneliness. If this experience has taught me anything, the lesson is centered around familiarity. Familiarity is important and comfortable. Home is familiar, and highly comfortable and an easy solution to overcome the uncertainty.
An interesting thing happened to me today. I went to Greenwich to seek out the Prime Meridian. Yes, I realize that you don’t actually “seek out” an invisible line. There is no bump on the ground, and nobody has carved a trench to indicate its existence. Due to the rain, I only ventured as far as Greenwich Park. Looking at the map, I found the point at which I perceived the line to run through, and trudged over to it. Anyone who is interested in science, geography, geology, etc is interested in these invisible lines. I’m pretty sure I got there, and yet I don’t really care if I did. At some point today, I know I crossed the mark from which time is based. Basically, when you run out of things to see in London, you see the things that are out of the way – and that is why I went to Greenwich. I have seen Big Ben and the Parliament buildings more than I wish (they were on my nightly workout circuit), and Buckingham Palace, Leicester Square, etc become a bit repetitive.
While in Greenwich I was struck by the loneliness that has been overcoming me for the past 5 weeks. Nobody to share the experience with, nobody to talk with – it becomes disheartening. I started to worry about the future, my education, money (ok, mainly debt), and relationships. How can I make everything work? How will I overcome this? Questions without answers. I keep arriving back at this thought – I do not want to leave England. Needless to say, by the time I left Greenwich I was fairly depressed, and nearly in tears (I still haven’t developed the British “Stiff Upper Lip” and doubt I ever will!). Having to cross through unfamiliar territory in London took me out of my zone of familiarity.
What is interesting about this? As soon as I arrived back at Victoria Station and in Pimlico, I was relaxed again. I was back to my familiar point. The uncertainty had disappeared, and I knew where I was. Suddenly I was back to thinking positively about the future, and remembering the necessity to live one day at a time. And that is when it hit me – I can make this work. If I could commit to actually renting a flat, get a bed of my own to sleep in, and have somewhere to unpack, I could do this. The problem is committing to commitment, and I have issues with that.
I have previously talked about the necessity of living one day at time. Unfortunately I stopped doing that – I kept returning to long-term scales of time. That makes time a cumbersome issue, and that is what eventually leads me to crack. I want all of the solutions now, not a month from now. I don’t now how I will make my education prospects work, nor do I know how I am going to repay my debt, nor do I know how I’m going to make things work in terms of relationships. But time will tell, won’t it? Nothing can be solved or undone overnight, and I keep forgetting that. What happens when I go home? I have a thesis to finish – that is my first priority. I have to apply to graduate school – the second priority. I need to rediscover what pulled me into teaching, and then take the contract that will give me my future. I need to face the reality that without teaching, I don’t have much of a future. I need to deal with the issues I have committing to life, and then deal with the feelings that keep pulling me home. Going home to an economically and employment deprived city does not solve my problems – in fact, it increases my problems tenfold. I need to overcome my necessity for comfort, and convenience and become the person I am. I need to bank money and pay down some bills.
A few days ago I spoke with a Canadian teacher who has been here for over a year. I asked her when she is returning home; she said “I’m going home at Christmas – sometimes you just need to go back for a bit.” And that is the truth – find your way here, but home is always home, and you can always go back for a visit.
What does all of this mean? I will be back. Am I crazy to try again? Probably. Some might even say I need some sort of counselling, and they would be right. But it has taken me ten years to get through university, and get it right – I will keep trying this until I get it right. Banbury left me scrambling for answers; London has left me with realization. Right now I need to go home and finish what it is I started, and answer the questions that I have had on my mind for the past several years – that is the only way I will ever be able to finish or conquer this.
Oh and as for Greenwich – really liked it. It was nice to do something moderately touristy for an afternoon. It was quiet and quaint, and I was momentarily able to forget the hustle and bustle of Central London. The park was a nice break from the over populated parks that I have wandering through for the past several weeks. Now if only they could fix that whole rain problem…
But really, the point to this – I will be back. Just be patient and so will I.
An interesting thing happened to me today. I went to Greenwich to seek out the Prime Meridian. Yes, I realize that you don’t actually “seek out” an invisible line. There is no bump on the ground, and nobody has carved a trench to indicate its existence. Due to the rain, I only ventured as far as Greenwich Park. Looking at the map, I found the point at which I perceived the line to run through, and trudged over to it. Anyone who is interested in science, geography, geology, etc is interested in these invisible lines. I’m pretty sure I got there, and yet I don’t really care if I did. At some point today, I know I crossed the mark from which time is based. Basically, when you run out of things to see in London, you see the things that are out of the way – and that is why I went to Greenwich. I have seen Big Ben and the Parliament buildings more than I wish (they were on my nightly workout circuit), and Buckingham Palace, Leicester Square, etc become a bit repetitive.
While in Greenwich I was struck by the loneliness that has been overcoming me for the past 5 weeks. Nobody to share the experience with, nobody to talk with – it becomes disheartening. I started to worry about the future, my education, money (ok, mainly debt), and relationships. How can I make everything work? How will I overcome this? Questions without answers. I keep arriving back at this thought – I do not want to leave England. Needless to say, by the time I left Greenwich I was fairly depressed, and nearly in tears (I still haven’t developed the British “Stiff Upper Lip” and doubt I ever will!). Having to cross through unfamiliar territory in London took me out of my zone of familiarity.
What is interesting about this? As soon as I arrived back at Victoria Station and in Pimlico, I was relaxed again. I was back to my familiar point. The uncertainty had disappeared, and I knew where I was. Suddenly I was back to thinking positively about the future, and remembering the necessity to live one day at a time. And that is when it hit me – I can make this work. If I could commit to actually renting a flat, get a bed of my own to sleep in, and have somewhere to unpack, I could do this. The problem is committing to commitment, and I have issues with that.
I have previously talked about the necessity of living one day at time. Unfortunately I stopped doing that – I kept returning to long-term scales of time. That makes time a cumbersome issue, and that is what eventually leads me to crack. I want all of the solutions now, not a month from now. I don’t now how I will make my education prospects work, nor do I know how I am going to repay my debt, nor do I know how I’m going to make things work in terms of relationships. But time will tell, won’t it? Nothing can be solved or undone overnight, and I keep forgetting that. What happens when I go home? I have a thesis to finish – that is my first priority. I have to apply to graduate school – the second priority. I need to rediscover what pulled me into teaching, and then take the contract that will give me my future. I need to face the reality that without teaching, I don’t have much of a future. I need to deal with the issues I have committing to life, and then deal with the feelings that keep pulling me home. Going home to an economically and employment deprived city does not solve my problems – in fact, it increases my problems tenfold. I need to overcome my necessity for comfort, and convenience and become the person I am. I need to bank money and pay down some bills.
A few days ago I spoke with a Canadian teacher who has been here for over a year. I asked her when she is returning home; she said “I’m going home at Christmas – sometimes you just need to go back for a bit.” And that is the truth – find your way here, but home is always home, and you can always go back for a visit.
What does all of this mean? I will be back. Am I crazy to try again? Probably. Some might even say I need some sort of counselling, and they would be right. But it has taken me ten years to get through university, and get it right – I will keep trying this until I get it right. Banbury left me scrambling for answers; London has left me with realization. Right now I need to go home and finish what it is I started, and answer the questions that I have had on my mind for the past several years – that is the only way I will ever be able to finish or conquer this.
Oh and as for Greenwich – really liked it. It was nice to do something moderately touristy for an afternoon. It was quiet and quaint, and I was momentarily able to forget the hustle and bustle of Central London. The park was a nice break from the over populated parks that I have wandering through for the past several weeks. Now if only they could fix that whole rain problem…
But really, the point to this – I will be back. Just be patient and so will I.
Sunday, 20 April 2008
Reality out of Emotional Detachment
Where do I start with this post? I guess I start with the fact that I travel. I have had the fortune of being able to travel a fair bit for my age - and I love it. I'm one of those economy travellers - backpacking, hostels, etc. I have had the luck of seeing first-hand some of the most amazing sights this world has to offer - and I'm not finished by any means. I am a firm believer that travel is a necessity for education, but I also realize that not everybody has the ability to experience it. I wouldn't really say that I have the ability to experience it - I'm a financial mess, but my priorities are where they are. I can't change that, and I don't want to. Travel will forever remain my priority. Yet, no matter how far I travel, and how often I go, I always know that at the end of the journey, I am returning home. There is safety in that knowledge - and I like safety.
When I decided to come to Banbury - no...let me rephrase...when I jumped on a plane and ended up in Banbury, I knew that there would be potential issues. Previous experience living in New Orleans had taught me that no matter how independant you want to be, adjustment can be hard. Two weeks into my New Orleans experience I hit a period of homesickness hell - I had been lucky enough to not experience homesickness previously. But I descended into that hell, and contemplated a fast return to Canada. Fortunately, New Orleans is just down the road (ok, interstate) from home....and I knew people...lots of people. I was able to weather that storm and carry on with living.
Part of the problem with making an emotionally detached decision, with a personal motto of "I don't know", is that you tend to block out those questions and realities that might make you reconsider your decision. Do I regret that? No. Leanne knows Leanne moderately well. Leanne knows that if Leanne had been emotionally attached to the decision, she would not be sitting in Banbury right now - she would have over-thought the process and ultimately stayed in Thunder Bay. I will admit that on occasion I did consider the reality - but then I always ended up at the same place: Why stay in Thunder Bay? What's here? What do I do here? and so on...so I blocked those (exceedingly) brief interludes of reality and carried on with my emotional detachment.
Now back to my original train of thought. I knew that when I moved to Banbury that I would hit this period of darkness....you know what I talking about....that period when the world is crashing down around you, and you can't breathe, and the walls are closing in. I knew it would happen. Unfortunately I severly underestimated when it would happen. Based on my calculations, the world was doomed to end about two weeks after I arrived in Banbury.
Ok so I am horrible at math, I have no trouble confessing that. You would think that this would hinder me as a Science teacher. It does. So you can guess that when Leanne calculates something, you should throw out the calculation, and get someone else to figure it out. And you're right. My calculation for world destruction was very wrong - I miscalculated by several days.
The reality started to set in the day I rented my flat. Granted I came to Banbury on a contract - as someone who does not like commitment of any sort, a contract is one of those things that gives me heart palpitations. I can't even handle the idea of a cell phone contract - I scoff at being locked in to something for more than a day. I don't make appointments, because I hate having time commitments. Even so, I could handle having an employment contract - it guaranteed money. Signing the contract on my flat was another story - it meant expenditure. I didn't know what an anxiety attack and heart flutter were until last week. But I developed both, and have had them in exceedingly frequant bursts ever since. Walking down the street I will feel my heart start skipping beats as I redose myself reality. I need to stop and take several deep breaths before I continue. And thus starts the darkness...I am learning what Doris Lessing meant about "Briefing for a Descent into Hell".
Then there is the job. Now I can't go into extreme details on my job, for fairly obvious reasons. Firstly, I am in education - people in education keep more secrets than CIA operatives (and generally with better success). Secondly, this blog is available on the internet - I can't risk sounding off on a public form. Let me start by saying that I am not particularly worried about teaching per se...but Leanne had forgotten she despises planning. If I could walk into a classroom filled with 200 roudy students, and be given a lesson plan for the History of the English Language - I would teach it, and be enthusiastic. Tell me I have to plan a lesson for 22 well behaved students on an interesting topic, I will be tempted to head to the first pub I find and drink away my sorrows. How I ended up in teaching is beyond me. No..that's not true. I have worked in a school for eight years. I like teaching. I hate planning. This reality has just added to the darkness.
So where am I going right now? Put simply, I don't know. I am in that period of resentment, and as an Anthropologist I know the stages that I have to go through. I resent that my computer is being overtaken my UK advertisements...that yahoo and google are offering to readjust themselves to UK servers, etc. Emotional detachment has led to emotional crisis. Between the constant financial panics, overwhelming job issues and displacement, I worry that I have numbered my days here. Daily I find shock in the extreme costs of living - I ask again: when will they tax the air here? There has to be a way to do it...I could probably work out a calculation for it - it will be a bad calculation, that will likely result in tax payers paying 20% more than they have to, but the UK goverment will appreciate my ineptness. Maybe next Sunday I should go to Speakers Corner in London, stand on my soapbox, and pose this idea to the masses. And on Monday when I wake up in a hospital, recovering from having been stoned, I can be secure with the reality that I have somehow positively influenced England. Or maybe I should just go to the pub now and watch a game of football...soccer...before I develop this idea any further.
Anyway I guess what this long sojourn into hell has been leading to - this is the reality of displacement and adjustment. While I knew it would happen, I severly underestimated the date on which it would occur. And that's the funny thing about life - it can't be predicted. I didn't factor in all of the obvious forces that would contribute to my calculation - for instance, putting an ocean between myself and home - I should have made an adjustment of at least a day to the calculation. And the cost of living - that should have added another day. And the anxiety of lesson planning...another day. So yes, when I add the variables that affect the constant, I am right on target for a collision with reality.
Now the questions...what calculation do I use to get over the reality? When does that happen? What are constants and variables? And can I find my contentment?
When I decided to come to Banbury - no...let me rephrase...when I jumped on a plane and ended up in Banbury, I knew that there would be potential issues. Previous experience living in New Orleans had taught me that no matter how independant you want to be, adjustment can be hard. Two weeks into my New Orleans experience I hit a period of homesickness hell - I had been lucky enough to not experience homesickness previously. But I descended into that hell, and contemplated a fast return to Canada. Fortunately, New Orleans is just down the road (ok, interstate) from home....and I knew people...lots of people. I was able to weather that storm and carry on with living.
Part of the problem with making an emotionally detached decision, with a personal motto of "I don't know", is that you tend to block out those questions and realities that might make you reconsider your decision. Do I regret that? No. Leanne knows Leanne moderately well. Leanne knows that if Leanne had been emotionally attached to the decision, she would not be sitting in Banbury right now - she would have over-thought the process and ultimately stayed in Thunder Bay. I will admit that on occasion I did consider the reality - but then I always ended up at the same place: Why stay in Thunder Bay? What's here? What do I do here? and so on...so I blocked those (exceedingly) brief interludes of reality and carried on with my emotional detachment.
Now back to my original train of thought. I knew that when I moved to Banbury that I would hit this period of darkness....you know what I talking about....that period when the world is crashing down around you, and you can't breathe, and the walls are closing in. I knew it would happen. Unfortunately I severly underestimated when it would happen. Based on my calculations, the world was doomed to end about two weeks after I arrived in Banbury.
Ok so I am horrible at math, I have no trouble confessing that. You would think that this would hinder me as a Science teacher. It does. So you can guess that when Leanne calculates something, you should throw out the calculation, and get someone else to figure it out. And you're right. My calculation for world destruction was very wrong - I miscalculated by several days.
The reality started to set in the day I rented my flat. Granted I came to Banbury on a contract - as someone who does not like commitment of any sort, a contract is one of those things that gives me heart palpitations. I can't even handle the idea of a cell phone contract - I scoff at being locked in to something for more than a day. I don't make appointments, because I hate having time commitments. Even so, I could handle having an employment contract - it guaranteed money. Signing the contract on my flat was another story - it meant expenditure. I didn't know what an anxiety attack and heart flutter were until last week. But I developed both, and have had them in exceedingly frequant bursts ever since. Walking down the street I will feel my heart start skipping beats as I redose myself reality. I need to stop and take several deep breaths before I continue. And thus starts the darkness...I am learning what Doris Lessing meant about "Briefing for a Descent into Hell".
Then there is the job. Now I can't go into extreme details on my job, for fairly obvious reasons. Firstly, I am in education - people in education keep more secrets than CIA operatives (and generally with better success). Secondly, this blog is available on the internet - I can't risk sounding off on a public form. Let me start by saying that I am not particularly worried about teaching per se...but Leanne had forgotten she despises planning. If I could walk into a classroom filled with 200 roudy students, and be given a lesson plan for the History of the English Language - I would teach it, and be enthusiastic. Tell me I have to plan a lesson for 22 well behaved students on an interesting topic, I will be tempted to head to the first pub I find and drink away my sorrows. How I ended up in teaching is beyond me. No..that's not true. I have worked in a school for eight years. I like teaching. I hate planning. This reality has just added to the darkness.
So where am I going right now? Put simply, I don't know. I am in that period of resentment, and as an Anthropologist I know the stages that I have to go through. I resent that my computer is being overtaken my UK advertisements...that yahoo and google are offering to readjust themselves to UK servers, etc. Emotional detachment has led to emotional crisis. Between the constant financial panics, overwhelming job issues and displacement, I worry that I have numbered my days here. Daily I find shock in the extreme costs of living - I ask again: when will they tax the air here? There has to be a way to do it...I could probably work out a calculation for it - it will be a bad calculation, that will likely result in tax payers paying 20% more than they have to, but the UK goverment will appreciate my ineptness. Maybe next Sunday I should go to Speakers Corner in London, stand on my soapbox, and pose this idea to the masses. And on Monday when I wake up in a hospital, recovering from having been stoned, I can be secure with the reality that I have somehow positively influenced England. Or maybe I should just go to the pub now and watch a game of football...soccer...before I develop this idea any further.
Anyway I guess what this long sojourn into hell has been leading to - this is the reality of displacement and adjustment. While I knew it would happen, I severly underestimated the date on which it would occur. And that's the funny thing about life - it can't be predicted. I didn't factor in all of the obvious forces that would contribute to my calculation - for instance, putting an ocean between myself and home - I should have made an adjustment of at least a day to the calculation. And the cost of living - that should have added another day. And the anxiety of lesson planning...another day. So yes, when I add the variables that affect the constant, I am right on target for a collision with reality.
Now the questions...what calculation do I use to get over the reality? When does that happen? What are constants and variables? And can I find my contentment?
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