Saturday, 18 April 2009

Talking fat Some More

I’ve been keeping up with this happy blog for over a year now. Considering I have major commitment issues, I would say that is pretty good! If you have been reading for any length of time, you might know that it was meant to chronicle my days in Banbury, England – however short they may have been.

Time out for a moment. I’m at my regular coffee watering hole, but I can’t concentrate. Thanks to a recent upgrade to my laptop, earphones are no longer recognized by the system. Part of my “blogging zone” includes listening to music. Instead I am now forced to listen to the girls on my right side talking about kidney dialysis and how stupid physiologists are (assumed med students), and the table of girls to my left discussing how fantastically awesome they are (oh to be young and full of ego!).

Needless to say, this isn’t going far.

Alright, so this blog started as my testimonials for life in Banbury. It has kind of adapted into a chronicle of my disaster zone and weight loss goals. I guess the weight loss thing is sort of relevant at the moment; it has kind of consumed my life for the past 16 months, and prevents me from seizing a life that I desperately want. Mainly I blog about the weight thing to help others struggling with the challenge; it’s not something I talk too much about in the “real world”.

Recently I was asked if loosing weight has made me happier. If I had to evaluate my happiness, from a year ago compared to today, I would have to say that I am far more unhappy (does that make sense?). Ok, yes, a large part of that has to do with the mass uncertainty surrounding many aspects of my life at the moment. But…But… Here’s the big but…the weight loss has made me far from happy.

The true confession is that I see myself far fatter today than I did in 2007. I look at my body and keep thinking… “God, that’s gross!”

Maybe I spent so long ignoring my size, that now I’m making up for it.

But then there is the notion of the 30 pounds – I can’t kick start my weight loss again. Even with cutting meat, and moving to a largely fruit and veggie diet, my body is in a “f*ck you” mode. And even once the 30 pounds is gone, will I really be satisfied?

Now here is the other side of weight loss…
I’ve worked so hard to get to this point – to be able to see muscle definition, bones, etc that it makes me fearful. As much as I want to go back to London, I live in fear that it could undo that work; that the muscles will go mushy, and the fat will return. That fear is justified – when I started piling on weight, it happened literally overnight. It can’t be the reason for living in fear, can it? Yet the fear doesn’t go away – I could never replicate my home workout in London, the hills that I climb every day do not exist in the metropolitan environment.

The most amazing thing is how I have managed to reach this point with the zero willpower that I have. I am still unable to control myself around my primary comfort foods. Wave chocolate in front of my face, and watch out! Throw in bread, beer battered chicken strips, wings, etc and it is a cataclysmic breakdown.

Now, if you are doing the weight fight, I can’t say that it is all bad. But loosing weight won’t change your life (unless you were on the Biggest Loser and happen to sign T.V. and book deals as a result. Or if you are Jared and you went to Subway to loose your weight. Neither apply to me). I would love to say that I had more direction, or some sort of stability thanks to the weight loss. I don’t.

The only really cool thing is my anonymity – people don’t recognize me now. And that’s a really positive affirmation. The encouragement and support that I receive are awesome. Initially when an individual begins to have noticeable weight loss changes, people are afraid to ask about it. Now, I have lost enough weight that friends, family, neighbours, etc, ask me about the process and want to talk about it. Consistently I am told that I must feel so much better; but in reality I do not. I’ve always been active, the only difference is that I eat

Alright, so I’m running out of time for today, and too be honest, my head is swirling. I’m not sure if it is because I am getting sick or because I am hung over. It could be both.

Pictures: LEFT - Ottawa, March 2008 - side profile pic that made me cry ;p (I had already been on "diet" for four months and thought I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay thinner!); RIGHT - Thunder Bay, April 17, 2009 (first side profile pic that I was actually moderately OK with!)

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