Oops...I realized today that I have not written in over a month! Actually, I have, but due to some procrastation and commitments (alright...mainly procrastination) I have yet to post the blog. The past month has been busy, in that sort of way that makes you wonder, "huh? where did time go??!?!". I've been working (that's a whole other story), training (dogs) and pondering the future. Actually, most of my time is spent pondering the future - on a daily basis I wonder - should I go back to England? Do I really want to? What will happen when I do? Generally speaking, I wake up adamently against England...by noon, I lean towards returning...by supper, I am excited to return...by midnight I decide that tomorrow is another day, and I will figure out the solution then....and then it starts again the following day. It feels like a neverending cycle. I still have 10 weeks until my arranged return - that is plenty of time to figure it out...but I've already been back for 3 months, and am still clueless. The logical answer (for financial and professional reasons) is to return..the heartfelt answer: I dunno!
Ok..so England is not the basis for this blog entry. This weekend I find myself straddled down with 2 kids (who are definitely not my own!). I have no natural parenting abilites (ya ya, it's different when they are yours - so why is there soooo many bad parents??!?!?) and I actually have zero desire to have kids. And before you state the obvious: I have never had the desire to have children, I have chosen to have a career that is generally too self absorbed to include children, therefore I have NO desire to have kids...my mother is happy with this decision for she has NO desire to be a grandmother...so again, I have NO desire to have kids. Never have had. Do you get the picture? Its not that I dislike children, per se. I moderately tolerate them...in small doses. Yes, I am a teacher (for the short-term)...I enjoy teaching. I do not want to fork over my uterus for the greater good of advancing civilization. There are enough people who are making this decision on a daily basis, I am fairly certain that humanity will not come to a crashing hault if I do not spread my genetic material. In fact, I can guarantee that humanity will not be affected by my decision.
What is fairly interesting is that even though we are living in 2008 (ok, the majority of us are), there is still a latent belief that humans have to procreate. This belief can be traced to biblical origins, and seems to have a stronghold, even in modern times. Though there are an ever increasing number of couples choosing not to breed, it is still somehow taboo for a woman to say "I don't want kids." I have been met with shock and skepticism ("You just aren't sure yet." "You will, dear" "Janie's daughter said that too, and now she has 3 kids."). Is it possible that Janie's daughter gave way to cultural pressure? Or is there some sort of biological necessity to breed, where suddenly biology overrules mentality? How does a person fight against that biological need? I can recognize in myself that children would be a bad decision - but will I loose that grounding to a primitive need?
As I have already said, this weekend I have found myself straddled with two kids. I am fairly lucky with these two - there is a great enough age difference that one can actually care for the other - one is a teenager (oh yes!!) and one is just surpassing toddledom and has entered they "why?" stage of life. I am not particularly fond of the why stage, even though I do consider myself a scientist on some level. Ok..but fairly good kids overall...
This afternoon I decided to take the younger one to the park - it was like something out of a movie...you know, the scene where the carefree, independent, no-commitment adult finds herself surrounded by "adults" with children? Huh? How do they do this? They watch as Susy and Jimmy scale the monkey bars, race around the playground...they know enough to check and see if there are any exposed nails on the play structure...they forsee every little challenge...and wait - they remember to grab their child's hand while crossing the street. Now granted they started with these entities on day one...but carefree Leanne feels fairly wreckless when surrounded by such responsilibity. I get to home tomorrow, and return to my carefree existance...but people actually do this FULL-TIME?
The most shocking part of this whole brief sojourn into adulthood, is that the "adults" surrounding me at the park - were all my age! When did that happen? When did people suddenly feel the need to procreate? Did I miss the notice that went out? Did my brain suddenly shut off? Have I, as a Homo Sapien sapien, suddenly hit a new evolutionary benchmark, in which I do not respond to biological necessitites? Is this some sort of example of Darwinism at its finest? Surely I can't be the most stellar example of evolution! So, when did people my age decide to have children?
Alright, so despite my inadequate natural parenting abilities, and lack of responsibility, I did manage to get the kid home and in one peice. Surely that must count for something! I'll be the first one to admit - come Monday, I will rerelish in my carefree, no-responsibility life. Wait..there are responsibilities...so maybe it's that I will relish in my childless existence, while fending off the skepticism of a society brainwashed to believe that we must "go forth and procreate."