Monday, 6 October 2008

A secret revealed

It’s 1:30 am and I should be in bed, but true to form, I have one more thing I can procrastinate about: sleep! I haven’t blogged during the last two months, and feel that it’s time to catch up as I embark on my newest journey. Alright, maybe that is a little bit melodramatic – it’s not really a new journey – it’s a retracing of a past journey, but with the lessons of the present. So I am reshaping my blog and putting it back on the path that it was initially meant to take – this blog was not about me regretting every decision I’ve ever made…it was about me learning to live, while living in a foreign land. Yet, I did learn something amidst the regret…and noooo, I am not sharing what that lesson has been.
So tonight I start anew, and find out just how many of my friends read my blog J You see, I am not going to openly tell anyone of what is being shared in this blog. At least, not initially – eventually everything will come out, but for the meantime, the future is for me. Luckily I have this blog to write out my grievances – and it can be read by sporadic people who can compare their f*ck ups to mine (and maybe learn something from my frequent blunders).

About a week ago I woke up and realized it was time to either sh*t or get off the pot (and I’m sorry if my colourful language offends you, but I write as I speak!). And so I got off the pot. Since returning in April, I have argued with myself constantly about going back to the UK and trying again. (no…I have argued with myself about EVERYTHING! I am in torment!) For the first 4 months I was adamantly opposed to the idea – I found every reason as to why I should return, but found every counter-reason as to why I should not. My reasons for avoiding it were creative at the very least. But still, I kept coming back to the question: “the Leanne of today doesn’t want to go…but will the Leanne of 40 years from now regret having not taken the opportunity?” Hmmm…I know about regret. I have given up a lot of opportunities – most of which I already regret. I can’t have another regret.

And so it is so. After a weekend of trialing, and being with friends and watching successes and failures (yes, this is all dog show stuff) I realized that I needed to go. Why? How does the dog world fit in? Since returning in April, I have remained fairly aloof from everyone – friends, family, etc. I figured that by rejoining my world, I was making it too easy for me to stay in Thunder Bay, and too difficult to change my life. This past trialing weekend was really my first large scale interaction with my life. But then I realized - its not enough. I will always have a life here, but not enough of a life to warrant staying forever. I cannot stay here anymore. And so…on September 2nd, I woke up – and for the first time since April – I didn’t argue with myself. I didn’t debate my life, or what I was doing. The decision was made, and then there was clarity. The funny thing is – had I “decided” not to go, I would have continued to argue with myself for months, until that option no longer existed.

Like I have already mentioned, I will not be telling anyone of my decision. The reason? This time I am going back for me. I do not want to go with expectations, and feeling the pressure of needing to succeed. I have had five months to ponder my mistakes, I know what went wrong, and I know what I need to make this work for me. Part of what I need is my anonymity until I settle.

In retrospect, it was so incredibly lonely to move 6000 miles away from home. I have been lonely before – but this type of lonely was something else. This time I am going with the understanding that I will have to combat that. Ok, sure, in another week I will be heading towards self doubt, and wondering what the heck I’ve signed myself up for – but right now, I am ok. And so…this blog will be returning to its original format, and hopefully for a longer stint J

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