Tuesday, 22 April 2008

Facing the Reality

Where to start, where to start. Firstly, it is incedibily easy to move to the UK. It is a bit more difficult to leave the UK. In the past 36 hours I have ridden the emotional rollercoster of reality. All of those things that I had been so good about ignoring and remaining emotionally detached from in Canada, have come to a head here. Already I am trying to figure out where I went wrong. Was it in signing a contract? Coming to Banbury (of all places)? Going in to teaching? Deciding to worry about my health in the months leading up to England? Being excessively paranoid about costs? Never having lived alone? Yes. No. Some of it. All of it.
I guess the first challenge was in living here alone - severly alone. Granted I did live in New Orleans, but even when I lived "alone" my then-current love (I use that term loosely) interest spent most of his time in my dorm room. Should I have made the effort to live "alone" in Thunder Bay, before moving here? Probably. Would it have mattered? Not likely.
I have already made a point of discussing my inability to commit to anything (jobs, contracts, partners, etc). So maybe signing a contract led to my derailment. No. Not likely. That nagging thought that kept reaffirming itself in my mind was the clincher - I am in the wrong profession. Did I have to do this to remember that? Yes. I am not necessarily in the wrong profession. I enjoy working with individual students who are struggling to achieve results. I like the challenge of working with the student who just doesn't give a damn. Maybe it's because I see myself in that. I wasn't a natural in school - I had good marks (most of the time), but I worked my butt off to achieve those marks. I worked incredibly hard my first year at university to fail my classes. Which I did, until half term when I realized that I was being daft - and then had to boost failing marks to passing grades.
So then what? The health aspect. Months ago I decided that the "padding" (yes, that's the politically correct term) that I attained on my figure during university had to come off. It has been one of the most unenjoyable experiences of my life. Not secure in my results yet, I have spent so much time worrying about regaining the "padding" that I worked so hard to loose, that I have hardly been enjoying myself. Ultimately I wasn't secure enough in weight to be here. I think there is irony in coming to a country that works on the pound :-p.
Now the costs. I can admit the cost of coming here was a small fortune. The cost of living here is a full fortune. The idea of spending anymore time here, watching the bills ring up - I can't even fathom it. When I look at the big picture, it is truly cheaper to run home now, than to continue on.
I'm sure in the coming weeks I will have a sundry of observations regarding my decisions. There will be regret - both for having gone and having left. I know that. But...at the end of the day...I still have a visa that is good until 2010. I still have credentials (of some sort). I am still Leanne and might find my silver lining - or at least I will be able laugh about it sometime in the future. For instance...the woman who is sitting next to me in the coffee shop is talking about her ovaries. My concentration is being derailed because I keep catching "key words". I can laugh about this. Oh..and I can laugh at the irony - it has been miserable in Banbury since I arrived - today is hot and sunny :) Wonderful.
So here I am, more directionless than when I arrived. Having just agreed to a job meeting on Friday in London.....waiiiiiiiittttttttt....what was that? Did I just say that??!?! Meet Leanne...indecisive and clinging to her last hope... Yes. I have agreed to a job meeting in London on Friday afternoon. Ok Ok..I'm not saying I will let anything happen......yet.....

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