Thursday, 30 October 2008

London Inconvenienced

I don’t know why I am doing this anymore; I have lost my perspective. Only three weeks have past since I arrived in the UK, and it feels like longer. I thought by this point that it would be moderately easier, but it truthfully isn’t. The UK is a miserable place right now – I am tired of hearing about the credit crisis; tired of hearing about people drowning in their debt. The BBC absolutely loves their drama. I understand only too well. The reality is, if I go home, I will be fully suffocated beneath my debt. I don’t know how I got here and London is destroying me.

Why am I doing this? Possibly the hope of making enough money to start paying back some of my debt? Yes – but then reality starts to hit, and I’m not sure I will have enough money to pay anything back. And London continues to destroy me. How sad is too sad? How difficult is too difficult? I am trying to make this work for me but I’m not sure if it is possible anymore. Everyday I am asked a plethora of questions by friends and family; I don’t have the answers to anything right now. It frustrates me and I am tired of trying to answer.

Next week I have a full week’s worth of work – barring I don’t get fired. I am worried about it as well as troubled by the idea that I am still in the wrong profession. It would be so much easier if I could just go home. Life isn’t supposed to be easy is it? Money doesn’t just fall from the sky, and problems just aren’t magically cured. Yesterday, on my way back from Leeds, our coach was diverted back north after an accident closed the M1. The reason? A guy jumped out in front of a vehicle and ended it all – this triggered a chain reaction accident that made an apparent mess of things. Again I am brought back to that conversation from 3 weeks ago, during which a man berated the individual who tied up the London tube system (how inconvenient and inconsiderate that your desperate measures would inconvenience larger society!!). Yesterday, along with being inconvenienced by the additional 1.5 hours added to my travel time, I kept thinking “lucky b*st*rd”. Don’t get me wrong, I love life. Right now I’m just disillusioned and dejected by it.

It has just occurred to me that Starbucks is playing Christmas music. Well isn’t that enough to make you want to jump in front of a lorrey? Seriously though – what do I do? My recruiters are trying to get me to move to Essex on a contract. I don’t want a contract – a contract means I have to stay. I don’t want to stay - I want December 22 to get here so I can go back to my life. This has inconvenienced me enough. Unfortunately short term aspirations of returning home are unrealistic – I don’t really want to go home. Stubborn girl never learns, does she? No, I’m wrong – its not London destroying me…I am singlehandedly destroying myself in this endeavour. How inconvenient.

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