Monday, 6 October 2008

So I am down to the final three weeks before departure. The anxiety has started…I’m having those “wtf” moments. I have begun second guessing whether or not I am doing the right thing. The anxiety is then greeted by excitement for what lies ahead. Stress. Eagerness. More stress. Relief. It is an emotional rollercoaster – and I am so incredibly happy to be riding it!

If you read my earlier blog posts (and I don’t know why you would have), but if you haven’t, let me summarize. I moved to Banbury with zero emotion. I wasn’t stressed. No excitement. No second guessing. I was detached, aloof, dissassociative. Numerous people asked me “Well you must be excited?” No. “You must be nervous?” Nope. “You must be looking forward to England?” Not really. And so on….I was overwhelmingly detached from the whole process.

This might work for some, but it didn’t work for me one iota. In my emotional detachment, I suddenly found myself very attached to the reality of my decision. Suddenly, while in Banbury, I found myself crashing down, as I came to terms with the longterm ramifications of my decisions. How to cope? Well I didn’t. I moved back to Canada.

So now, attempt number two is well underway. I have the emotions this time, and can look at the reality of this decision. I know it will be no easier than the last time, but I am somehow more prepared. Or else I will have an even more tumultuous breakdown in London. This could go two ways. We shall see, won’t we?

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