Monday, 20 October 2008

London Lost

A weekend escape from London was exactly what I needed - to help me realize just how unhappy I am in this whole situation. As I sit in Starbucks on a Monday afternoon (not working), I am worried about employment, my recruitment agency, forging a new life here, etc. I came back to England to figure out if I made the right decision in leaving Banbury. I think I am realizing, that yes, in fact I did.

Upon my return to London, I found myself in tears as we turned into Victoria Station. This underlying feeling of not wanting to be here, had finally set in (yet again). Is it England? Is it London? Is it teaching? I don't know. Could I ever be happy here? I just don't know. Maybe in a different profession (let's face it, I am not excited about teaching). I want to make this work, but how much sadness is too much sadness?

I can recognize the potential within myself, to be able to change the world, and make some sort of positive contribution to society. Unfortunately, Thunder Bay is not really the prime location to undertake such an endeveaour. More unfortunate, is the fact that Leanne is fairly certain that she belongs in Thunder Bay. Most likely, I should have left ten years ago, when I was younger and more rebellious, and ready to seize the world by the horns. Now I'm ready to come home to familiarity every day - I don't want the challenges of learning to adapt to a new environment. Maybe some of us were just meant to be travellers.

Sometimes I start to become moderately comfortable in this environment. I can't put my finger on what the exact problem is. I don't know if it is the teachers lifestyle. The commitment to the profession. The commitment to a new environment. I really hate commitment. I want a job that I can go to at 9am and leave at 5pm and just be done with it. Supply teaching can sort of give me that. I'm not particularly fond of getting up at 5:45am and going to bed by 10:30 though...that's the lifestyle. I'm also not fond of disruption..and this has brought immense disruption to my life.

Now I'm in a pickle (because I can't spell conundrum??). Do I rent the flat and force myself to stay until at least the end of January? Or do I return home? Is two weeks really a fair trial? It is sooo easy to go home - maybe too easy. Maybe I need to force myself to stay out of my comfort zone. I don't know. Sheffield reminded me so much of Thunder Bay - maybe that should have been my transition zone. Or am I afraid to let myself like it here? What if I do start to enjoy it? Perhaps that is the scarier unknown.

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